foresee the trial awaiting us. I did not
know that on February 12, one month after my clothing day, our
beloved Father would drink so deeply of such a bitter chalice. I
no longer said I could suffer more, words cannot express our
grief; nor shall I attempt to describe it here.

In Heaven, we shall enjoy dwelling on these dark days of exile.
Yet the three years of my Father's martyrdom seem to me the
sweetest and most fruitful of our lives. I would not exchange them
for the most sublime ecstasies, and my heart cries out in
gratitude for such a priceless treasure: "We have rejoiced for the
days wherein Thou hast afflicted us."[7] Precious and sweet was
this bitter cross, and our hearts only breathed out sighs of
grateful love. We no longer walked--we ran, we flew along the path
of perfection.

Leonie and Celine, though living in the world, were no longer of
the world. The letters they wrote were full of the most edifying
resignation. And what talks I had with Celine! Far from separating
us, the grating of the Carmel united us more closely: the same
thoughts, the same desires, the same love for Our Lord and for
souls, made our very life. Not a word concerning things of earth
entered into our conversation; but, just as in former days we
lifted longing eyes to Heaven, so now our hearts strained after
the joys beyond time and space, and, for the sake of an eternal
happiness, we chose to suffer and be despised here below.

Though my suffering seemed to have reached its height, yet my
attraction thereto did not grow less, and soon my soul shared in
the trials my heart had to bear. My spiritual aridity increased,
and I found no comfort either in Heaven or on earth; yet, amid
these waters of tribulation that I had so thirsted for, I was the
happiest of mortals.

Thus passed the time of my betrothal, too long a time for me. At
the end of the year you told me, dear Mother, that I must not yet
think of my profession, as our Ecclesiastical Superior expressly
forbade it. I had therefore to wait for eight months more. At
first I found it very difficult to be resigned to such a
sacrifice, but divine light penetrated my soul before long.

At this time I was using for my meditations Surin's _Foundations
of the Spiritual life._ One day during prayer, it was brought home
to me that my too eager desire to take my vows was mingled with
much self-love; as I belonged to Our Lord and was His little
plaything to console and please Him, it