ing a
strong appeal to the Prohibitionists.

* * *

One London firm is advertising thirty thousand alarum-clocks for sale at
reduced prices. There is now no excuse for any workman being late at a
strike.

* * *

A centenarian in the Shetlands, says a news agency, has never heard of Mr.
LLOYD GEORGE. We have no wish to brag, but we have often seen his name
mentioned.

* * *

Professor PETRIE'S statement that the world will only last another two
hundred thousand years is a sorry blow to those who thought that _Chu Chin
Chow_ was in for a long run. Otherwise the news has been received quietly.

* * *

"Nothing useful is ever done in the House of Commons," says a Labour
speaker. He forgets that the cleaners are at work in the building just now.

* * *

We are informed that at the Bricklaying contest at the Olympic Games a
British bricklayer lost easily.

* * *

"A dress designer," says a Camomile Street dressmaker in _The Evening
News_, "must be born." We always think this is an advantage.

* * *

A gossip-writer points out that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S earliest ambition
was to be an actor. Our contemporary is wise not to disclose the name of
the man who talked him out of it.

* * *

"Whatever price is fixed it is impossible to get stone in any quantity,"
says a building trade journal. They have evidently not heard of our
coal-dealer.

* * *

"Nothing of any value has been gained by the War," complains a daily paper.
This slur on the O.B.E. is in shocking taste.

* * *

A Sunday newspaper deplores that there seems to be no means of checking the
crime-wave which is still spreading throughout the country. If only the
Government would publish the amount of American bacon recently purchased by
the Prisons' Department things might tend to improve.

* * *

"There is still a great shortage of gold in the country," announces a
weekly paper. It certainly seems as if our profiteers will soon have to be
content with having their teeth stopped with bank-notes.

* * *

We regret to learn that the amateur gardener whose marrows were awarded the
second prize for cooking-apples at a horticultural show is still confined
to his bed.

* * *

A neck-ruffle originally worn by QUEEN ELIZABETH has been stolen from a
house in Manchester and has not yet been recovered. Any reader noticing a
suspicious-looking person wearing such an article over her _decollete_
should immediately communicate with the nearest po