don't want the wife, and I insist on more than
twenty thousand dollars. I've got you entirely in my power, and you know
it. I'll come down to forty thousand dollars, but not a cent less. Draw
a check on the bank, or I'll draw a revolver on you. Be quick about it,
too, for my hereditary insanity may develop itself at any moment."

PHILIP.--"Well, if I must, I must. Here is your money. How did you leave
things at--well, at the place you came from? Everybody well, I hope?"

ENOCH.--"There were no people, and consequently nothing to drink there.
Don't speak of the wretched place. Thanks for the check. Hope you'll
find your wife satisfactory. Let this be a warning to you, not to marry
a widow another time, unless you have a sure thing. Don't believe her
when she says her husband is dead, unless you have him dug up, and
personally inspect his bones. Thank you! I _will_ take another drink
since you insist upon it. Here's luck! You'll agree with me that this is
the best day's work I have ever done. Good-by. I'm off to Chicago."

Now, would not that be the way in which "ENOCH" would have acted had he
been a practical business man? You see the play thus altered is
eminently probable, not to say realistic. I have several more improved
catastrophes, which, if substituted for the present ending of some of
our more recent popular plays, would render them quite perfect. _Hamlet_
especially needs changing in this respect. Some of these days I will
show the readers of PUNCHINELLO how SHAKSPEARE should have ended that
drama. I rather think they will agree with me, that SHAKSPEARE, clever
as he doubtless was in certain respects, knew very little about writing
plays that should be at once effective and probable.

MATADOR.

* * * * *

ON THE ROAD TO ROUEN.

The Prussians.

* * * * *

[Illustration: JOHN BULL DETECTS A BEAR-FACED INTRUDER UPON THE PRIVACY
OF THE BLACK SEA.]

* * * * *

"AB"

I.

Absinthe's a cunning word
Dram-drinkers to entice,
It comes from a Greek root which means
The opposite of nice.

II.

The wormwood shrub its gall
Essentially doth give
To "ab" by which so many die.
For which so many live.

III.

Its color is sea-green.
And should you enter where
The blissful stimulant is sold.
You'll see green people there.

IV.

King DEATH no longer drenches
With "c