. Hereafter I will take my TUPPER'S Proverbial
Philosophy and my glass of water, and I will daily address all my
friends on the subject of total abstinence from everything that cheers,
whether it inebriates or not. And I will now close this evening's
lecture by an appeal to the audience now present, to take warning by me,
and never drink a drop of lager-beer. Think, my friends, what would be
the feelings of your respective wives, should you return home, after a
drunken sleep of twenty or thirty years, and find them all married to
richer husbands! Think how they would revile the weakness of the beer
which could not keep you asleep forever. Think how you would complicate
the real estate business, when you came to turn out the mistaken people
who had occupied, improved, and sold your property during your brief
absence. Think of the difficulties that would arise from the increase in
the size of your families, which would probably have taken place while
you were sleeping out in the open air, and for which you would have to
provide, although you had not been consulted in the matter. Think, too,
of the extent to which you would be interviewed by the reporters of the
_Sun_, and the atrocious libels concerning yourselves and your families
which that unclean sheet would publish. Think of all these things, my
friends, and then step into the box-office on your way out and sign the
total abstinence pledge. The ushers will now make a collection for the
support of the temperance cause. Mr. MOLLENHAUER will please lead the
audience in singing that beautiful temperance anthem--"

"'Cold water is the only thing
Worth loving here below;
The man who won't its praises sing,
Will straight to Hades go.'"

Now, for one, I don't like this improved version of "RIP." Of course,
the Temperance Reformers will construe this expression of opinion into
an admission that every man, woman, or advocate of female suffrage, who
has ever written a line for PUNCHINELLO is a confirmed drunkard. In
spite of this probability, I still have the courage to maintain that so
long as Mr. JEFFERSON is an artist, and not a temperance lecturer, he
need not mix up the drama with the Temperance Reform, or any other
hobby. If he is to be compelled to deliver a temperance address every
time he plays _Rip Van Winkle,_ let us compel Mr. GREELEY to play "RIP"
every time he gives a temperance lecture. If the latter catastrophe were
to happen, the punishment of the