hat murder is not quite the thing.

The world would profit if you took
A leaf from out the Parson's book,
Becoming a judicious blend
Of "guide, philosopher and friend."

Discard your truncheon for a tract;
Strive to admonish ere you act;
In Virtue's force enrol recruits
And stamp out Belial with your boots.

* * * * *

ITEMS FROM ANYWHERE.

(_After the model of most of the dailies, by our specially unreliable
news service._)

It is reported that, owing to the present high price of labour, a
German Zeppelin is to be loaned to the Government to carry out the
demolition of the nineteen unnecessary City churches.

* * * * *

Arrested on a charge of loitering with felonious intent, Thomas Wrott,
aged forty, of Featherleigh, Beds, stated that he was building a
house.

* * * * *

Though the titles of all the pictures in a recent Vorticist exhibition
were placed by a printer's error opposite to the wrong numbers in the
catalogue, none of the visitors discovered the mistake.

* * * * *

Strike action is threatened in Manchester by the Amalgamated Society
of Tyldesleys, several Lancashire wickets having been taken by
non-union labour.

* * * * *

It is reported that Lord FISHER was recently traversing _The Times_
with a belt of Biblical sentences when a cross-feed occurred, causing
the action to jam.

* * * * *

A silver salver is to be presented to the Royal Automobile Club in
token of gratitude by octogenarian villagers of Sussex.

* * * * *

"Experienced Cook-General Wanted; comfortable home; liberal
outings; wages L40; policeman handy."--_Welsh Paper._

Would it not have been more tactful to say, "Copper in kitchen"?

* * * * *

[Illustration:

_Disgusted Plutocrat_ (_to partner, who has just missed a fifty-pound
putt_). "COULDN'T YOU SEE THAT SLOPE AFTER I POINTED IT OUT TO YOU?"

_Partner._ "AFTER YOU'D DONE WAVING THOSE DIAMONDS ABOUT I COULDN'T
SEE ANYTHING."]

* * * * *

FOR REMEMBRANCE.

In stone perdurable and bronze austere
We have bequeathed the memory of the dead
Unto the yet unborn; "'their name,'" we said,
"'Liveth for evermore'; each happier year
Shall see, we