Then the lieutenant-waiter and his army corps deployed by columns
of four and escorted us to the most expensive looking trough I ever
saw in a dining-room.

"'Peaches,' I said to my wife, 'I'm doing this to please you, but
after I pay the check, it's me to file a petition in bankruptcy.'

"But she only grinned, picked up the point-lace napkin and began to
admire the onyx furniture.

"'_Que souhaitez vous_?' said the waiter, bowing so low that I
could feel a chill running through my little bank account.

"'I guess he means you,' I whispered to Peaches, but she looked
very solemnly at the menu card and began to bite her lips.

"'_Je suis tout a votre service_,' the waiter cross-countered
before I could recover, and he had me gasping. It never struck me
that I had to take a course in French before entering the St. Regis
hunger foundry, and there I sat making funny faces at the
tablecloth, while my wife blushed crimson and the waiter kept on
bowing like an animated jack-knife.

"'Say, Mike!' I ventured after a bit; 'tip us off to a quiet bunch
of eating that will fit a couple of appetites just out seeing the
sights. Nothing that will put a kink in a year's income, you know,
Beau; just suggest some little thing that looks better than it
tastes, but is not too expensive to keep down.'

"'_Oui, oui_!' His Marseillaise came back at me, '_un diner
confortable doit se composer de potage, de volaille bouillie ou
rotie, chaude ou froide, de gibier, de plats rares et distingues,
de poissons, de sucreries, de patisseries et de fruits_!'

"I looked at my wife, she looked at me, then we both looked out the
window and wished we had never been born.

"'Say, Garsong,' I said, after we came to, 'my wife is a daughter
of the American Revolution and she's so patriotic she eats only in
United States, so cut out the Moulin Rouge lyrics and let's get
down to cases. How much will it set me back if I order a plain
steak--just enough to flirt with two very polite appetites?'

"'Nine dollars and seventy cents,' said Joan of Arc's brother Bill;
'the seventy cents is for the steak and the nine dollars will help
some to pay for the Looey the Fifteenth furniture in the bridal
chamber.'

"'Save the money, John,' whispered Peaches; 'and we'll buy a cow
with it.'

"'How about a sliver of roast beef with some slapped potatoes,' I
said to the waiter. 'Is it a bull market for an order like that?'

"'Three dollars and forty-two cents,' an