osts? how can I
determine? Can they see me--I who have wept so much? Let them go, I
will think of them no more. It makes me weep; what is the use of
weeping? Is it my fate to weep? If not, my mother--again these
thoughts! let them go. Would it not be well to die? How to do it?
Shall I drown myself? Should I become a star if I did that? Should I
see? Should I see every day--whom? Can I not say whom? why can I not
pronounce the name? there is no one here who could hear it. Shall I
please myself by uttering it for once? only in thought can I say
it--Nagendra, my Nagendra! Oh, what do I say? my Nagendra! What am I?
Surja Mukhi's Nagendra. How often have I uttered this name, and what
is the use? If he could have married me instead of Surja Mukhi! Let it
go! I shall drown myself. If I were to do that what would happen?
To-morrow I should float on the water; all would hear of it.
Nagendra--again I say it, Nagendra; if Nagendra heard of it what would
he say? It will not do to drown myself; my body would swell, I should
look ugly if he should see me! Can I take poison? What poison? Where
should I get it? Who would bring it for me? Could I take it? I could,
but not to-day. Let me please myself with the thought that he loves
me. Is it true? Kamal Didi said so; but how can she know it? my
conscience will not let me ask. Does he love me? How does he love me?
What does he love--my beauty or me? Beauty? let me see." She went to
examine the reflection of her face in the water, but, failing to see
anything, returned to her former place. "It cannot be; why do I think
of that? Surja Mukhi is more beautiful than I. Haro Mani, Bishu,
Mukta, Chandra, Prasunna, Bama, Pramada, are all more beautiful. Even
Hira is more beautiful; yes, notwithstanding her dark complexion, her
face is more beautiful. Then if it is not beauty, is it disposition?
Let me think. I can't find any attraction in myself. Kamal said it to
satisfy me. Why should he love me? Yet why should Kamal try to flatter
me? Who knows? But I will not die; I will think of that. Though it is
false I will ponder over it; I will think that true which is false.
But I cannot go to Calcutta; I should not see him. I cannot, cannot
go; yet if not, what shall I do? If Kamal's words are true, then those
who have done so much for me are being made to suffer through me. I
can see that there is something in Surja Mukhi's mind. True or false I
will have to go; but I cannot! Then I must drown myself.