barometer points to set fair. At the same time I consider
that only a papoose, made of string and sawdust, would give more than
L10,000 for any one of them.

Complaints have reached me that some of my remarks have given pain in
an exalted quarter. It is the common lot of those who are honest to be
misunderstood, and, for myself, I wish to claim no exemption from the
rule. My one aim is to benefit my readers, and to advance truth. For
this I would sacrifice the smiles of Courts, and incur the shallow
sneers of the grovelling, chowder-headed horde of flunkeys who sit in
high places. My work bears witness to my merit. Need I say more?

* * * * *

[Illustration: SERIOUS BALL-ROOM FLIRTATIONS.

_Lord Algernon_. "I CAN SAFELY RECOMMEND OUR TUSSORE SILKS, MRS.
GREEN. _WON'T_ YOU GIVE THEM A TRIAL? WE ALLOW A DISCOUNT OF FIFTEEN
PER CENT, FOR CASH, YOU KNOW."

_Sir Reginald_. "NOW _DO_ LET ME SEND YOU A COUPLE OF DOZEN OF OUR
EXTRA DRY CHAMPAGNE AT SEVENTY-TWO SHILLINGS, DEAR LADY MIDAS. I'M
_SURE_ SIR GORGIUS WILL LIKE IT."

_Captain de la Vere de Vere_. "OH, IF I _COULD_ BUT INDUCE YOU TO GET
YOUR HUSBAND TO INSURE HIS LIFE IN OUR OFFICE, MRS. VAN TRONCK!--THE
BONUSES ARE QUITE EXCEPTIONAL."]

* * * * *

"TOO MANY COOKS--!"

_A BRET-HARTEISH BALLAD._

MORAL BILL BUTTONS _SINGS_:--

I reside at Greenlands (Henley), and my name is MORAL BILL;
I'm a model of well-meaning, which makes up for want of skill;
And I'll tell, in simple language, what I know about the shine
Which demoralised our kitchen, and which bust up our Big Dine.

But first I would remark that it is not a prudent plan
For any culinary gent to flout his fellow-man;
And, if a colleague can't agree with his peculiar whim,
To wait on that same colleague, and trip up the heels of him.

Now nothing could be nicer, or more beautiful to see.
Than the first three years' proceedings of our Cooks (and we had three),
Till JOACHIM (of Goshen) made a dish (of devilled bones),
Which he flaunted in the face of ARTHUR B. with swelling tones.

Then ARTHUR made an _entree_; he constructed it with care,
And he vowed that e'en APICIUS would have owned it rich and rare.
And when JOACHIM protested that "soup first" was a fixed rule,
ARTHUR B. insinuated that his colleague was a mule.

And then he smiled a languid smile; sneering was ARTHUR'S fault,
And he had one squir