o wanted help, you would be endlessly
patient and tender and strong; but you do not really know what love
means, because it does not hurt or wound you. You are like Achilles,
was it not, who had been dipped in the river of death, and you are
invulnerable. You won't, I know, resent my saying this? I know you
won't--and the fact that you will not makes it harder for me to say
it--but I almost wish it WOULD wound you, instead of making you think
how you can amend it. You can't amend it, but God and love can; only
you must dare to let yourself go. You must not be wise and forbearing.
There, dear, I won't say more!"

Howard took her hand and kissed it. "Thank you," he said, "thank you a
hundred times for speaking so. It is perfectly true, every word of it.
It is curious that to-day I have seen myself three times mirrored in
other minds. I don't like what I see--I am not complacent--I am not
flattered. But I don't know what to do! I feel like a patient with a
hopeless disease, who has been listening to a perfectly kind and wise
physician. But what can I do? It is just the vital impulse which is
lacking. I will be frank too; it is quite true that I live in the
surface of things. I am so much interested in books, ideas, thoughts, I
am fascinated by the study of human temperament; people delight me,
excite me, amuse me; but nothing ever comes inside. I don't excuse
myself, but I say: 'It is He that hath made us and not we ourselves.' I
am just so, as you have described, and I feel what a hollow-hearted
sort of person I am. Yet I go on amusing myself with friendships and
interests. I have never suffered, and I have never loved. Well, I would
like to change all that, but can I?"

"Ah, dear Howard," said his aunt, "that is the everlasting question. It
is like you to take this all so sweetly and to speak so openly. But
further than this no one can help you. You are like the young man whom
Jesus loved who had great possessions. You do not know how much! I will
not tell you to follow Him; and your possessions are not those which
can be given away. But you must follow love. I had a hope, I have a
hope--oh, it is more than that, because we all find our way sooner or
later--and now that you know the truth, as I see you know it, the light
will not be long in coming. God bless you, dearest child; there is pain
ahead of you; but I don't fear that--pain is not the worst thing or the
last thing!"

XIV

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"I HAD