ductors on that
railroad were all armed with hatchets, and in case of an accident they
were instructed to go around and knock every wounded passenger in the
head, thus saving the company large amounts of money; and these were
reported to the general office as "deadheads," and in railway circles
the term has ever since been applied to passengers where no money
consideration is involved. [Laughter.]

One might suppose, from the manifestations around these tables for the
first three hours to-night, that the toast "Internal Improvements"
referred more especially to the benefiting of the true inwardness of the
New England men; but I see that the sentiment which follows contains
much more than human stomachs, and covers much more ground than cars. It
soars into the realms of invention. Unfortunately the genius of
invention is always accompanied by the demon of unrest. A New England
Yankee can never let well enough alone. I have always supposed him to be
the person specially alluded to in Scripture as the man who has found
out many inventions. If he were a Chinese Pagan, he would invent a new
kind of Joss to worship every week. You get married and settle down in
your home. You are delighted with everything about you. You rest in
blissful ignorance of the terrible discomforts that surround you, until
a Yankee friend comes to visit you. He at once tells you you mustn't
build a fire in that chimney-place; that he knows the chimney will
smoke; that if he had been there when it was built he could have shown
you how to give a different sort of flare to the flue. You go to read a
chapter in the family Bible. He tells you to drop that; that he has just
written an enlarged and improved version, that can just put that old
book to bed. [Laughter.] You think you are at least raising your
children in general uprightness; but he tells you if you don't go out at
once and buy the latest patented article in the way of steel leg-braces
and put on the baby, the baby will grow up bow-legged. [Laughter.] He
intimates, before he leaves, that if he had been around to advise you
before you were married, he could have got you a much better wife. These
are some of the things that reconcile a man to sudden death. [Continued
laughter and applause.]

Such occurrences as these, and the fact of so many New Englanders being
residents of this city and elsewhere, show that New England must be a
good place--to come from.

At the beginning of the war we thoug