,
without incurrin the risk of a eppydemick, I seen the army form, in five
divishuns. The one under Majah Genral Bloodsucker, bein ordered to scale
the walls and take a posishun on the ceelin. The other four divishuns
to assume the offensive, and attack me simultaneously on my flanks. Alas
for me, too soon, I seen, my mercy had ben illtimed, nothin was left me
but to make hasty preperashuns for the defense. Quickly I grabbed the
wash basin, and slop bole, and placed each under a leg of my chare.
There was nuthin else in the room, wot I cud use for a mote, in
despyration I seized a copy of the New York _Sun, Presbyteeryan Banner_,
and a book 'ntitled "Biblikal Reesons Why." Placin the _Sun_ and
"Biblikal Reesons Why," under the remainin unprotected legs of my chare,
and holdin the _Presbyteeryan Banner_ over my bed with a feendish laff,
I mounted my fortyfour cashun, and awated the attack.

The corps on the seelin, under Genral Bludsucker, was ordered to take
the inishiativ.

Formin in a compact falanx, the band playin the wile, they
simmultaneoushly took the perylus leep, landing rite in the middle of
my defense. Poor fellows! they met the fate of many others. Miscalculate
the distance they had fallen upon the Funny collum of the _Presbyteeryan
Banner_, and its well known soporiffic effects completely overcom them.

Seein the discomfertufe of the Bludsuckers command Genral Robeson
advanced, on the dubbel quick, over my N.Y. _Sun_ barrycade. He had
almost reeched the leg of my chare, wen urgin his men forward he crossed
a line, and rushed rite into deth, yes a suddin and horrybel deth!
Poor fellus! they didnt notis in there hurried adyanse, that they were
attemptin to cross a sarcastick and vengeful dubble ledded editorial,
on the United States navy, by Charles A. Danamite. The survivors will no
dout erect a monument over the remains of there brave and darin comrads,
beerin the inskripshun "Dide of broken harts."

Genral Robert Ingersol, seein the destruckshun of Robesons forces,
determined to advanse slowly, he had jest scaled the back of my
barrycade, and was preparin for a rush, wen his eyes cot site of the
title of the book. He immejiately sounded the retreet. Biblical Reasons
Why was too much for him, and he did not feel like crossin the kasm, and
exposin his men to more numerus and hotter perrils.

A counsil of war was then held, and it was decided to get the forces all
together, and make one determined effort