practice, I suppose.

SCHUTZMACHER. How could I afford to buy a fashionable practice? I hadnt
a rap. I set up in a manufacturing town in the midlands in a little
surgery at ten shillings a week.

RIDGEON. And made your fortune?

SCHUTZMACHER. Well, I'm pretty comfortable. I have a place in
Hertfordshire besides our flat in town. If you ever want a quiet
Saturday to Monday, I'll take you down in my motor at an hours notice.

RIDGEON. Just rolling in money! I wish you rich g.p.'s would teach me
how to make some. Whats the secret of it?

SCHUTZMACHER. Oh, in my case the secret was simple enough, though I
suppose I should have got into trouble if it had attracted any notice.
And I'm afraid you'll think it rather infra dig.

RIDGEON. Oh, I have an open mind. What was the secret?

SCHUTZMACHER. Well, the secret was just two words.

RIDGEON. Not Consultation Free, was it?

SCHUTZMACHER [shocked] No, no. Really!

RIDGEON [apologetic] Of course not. I was only joking.

SCHUTZMACHER. My two words were simply Cure Guaranteed.

RIDGEON [admiring] Cure Guaranteed!

SCHUTZMACHER. Guaranteed. After all, thats what everybody wants from a
doctor, isnt it?

RIDGEON. My dear loony, it was an inspiration. Was it on the brass
plate?

SCHUTZMACHER. There was no brass plate. It was a shop window: red, you
know, with black lettering. Doctor Leo Schutzmacher, L.R.C.P.M.R.C.S.
Advice and medicine sixpence. Cure Guaranteed.

RIDGEON. And the guarantee proved sound nine times out of ten, eh?

SCHUTZMACHER [rather hurt at so moderate an estimate] Oh, much oftener
than that. You see, most people get well all right if they are careful
and you give them a little sensible advice. And the medicine really
did them good. Parrish's Chemical Food: phosphates, you know. One
tablespoonful to a twelve-ounce bottle of water: nothing better, no
matter what the case is.

RIDGEON. Redpenny: make a note of Parrish's Chemical Food.

SCHUTZMACHER. I take it myself, you know, when I feel run down.
Good-bye. You dont mind my calling, do you? Just to congratulate you.

RIDGEON. Delighted, my dear Loony. Come to lunch on Saturday next week.
Bring your motor and take me down to Hertford.

SCHUTZMACHER. I will. We shall be delighted. Thank you. Good-bye. [He
goes out with Ridgeon, who returns immediately].

REDPENNY. Old Paddy Cullen was here before you were up, to be the first
to congratulate you.

RIDGEON. Indeed. Who taught you to speak of