a hundred years old, oak sideboard, brand new
... Apply after 6.30."

_Evening News_.

Surely after this candour there is no help to be got out of the
twilight hour.

* * * * *

"Mr. Robert ----, who is now manager, entered his late
employer's service three or four months after he commenced,
and remained with him until he gave up."

_Local Paper_.

"They have their exits and their entrances"--the former in this case
being the more satisfactory.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Intending Purchaser_ (_to Artist, who is selling his
house_.) "DID YOU PUT THOSE FIGURES ON THE WALLS?"

_Artist_ (_modestly, though regarding them as a strong asset_.) "OH,
YES--I--"

_Intending Purchaser_. "WELL, THEY DON'T REALLY MATTER. A COAT OF
WHITEWASH WOULD SOON PUT THAT RIGHT."]

* * * * *

WHEN AND IF.

(_It is rumoured that Mr. BALFOUR is shortly going to the House of
Lords_.)

When BALFOUR goes to the Lords--
For the Upper Chamber's adorning--
The Lower House, if it has any _nous_,
Will have solid reason for mourning;
For he has no axes to grind;
His strategy injures no man,
And his keen sword play in the thick of the fray
Is a joy to friend and foeman.

When BALFOUR goes to the Lords,
To strengthen that gilded muster,
'Twill be sad and strange if he has to change
The name he has crowned with lustre;
For already there's "B. of B.,"
A baron of old creation;
And Whittingehame is an uncouth name
For daily pronunciation.

If BALFOUR goes to the Lords,
Will the atmosphere, I wonder,
With the placid balm of its dreamful calm
Bring his nimble spirit under?
Or will he act on the Peers
Like an intellectual cat-fish,
Or startle their sleep with the flying leap
Of a Caribbean bat-fish?

If BALFOUR goes to the Lords--
But can the Commons spare him?
Besides I'm sure that a coronet's lure
Is the very last thing to ensnare him;
And I'd rather see him undecked
With the gauds that merely glister,
In the selfsame box with PITT and FOX
And GLADSTONE--a simple Mister.

Still if he goes to the Lords,
Whatever, his style and title,
For the part he has played in his country's aid
'Twill be but a poor requital;
For he never once lost his nerve
When the outlook was most alarming,
And always rem