Earl_ (_in a choking voice_). I suspected as much from the very first!

_Re-enter the_ Countess, _carrying a heap of family portraits._

[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT.

QUITE TOO-TOO PUFFICKLY PRECIOUS!!

_Being Lady Windy-mere's Fan-cy Portrait of the new dramatic author,
Shakspeare Sheridan Oscar Puff, Esq._

["He addressed from the stage a public audience, mostly composed of ladies,
pressing between his daintily-gloved fingers a still burning and half-
smoked cigarette."--_Daily Telegraph._]]

_Countess._ Here, Duchess, although you are not to my liking, I have
brought you a few pictures of my husband and some of his predecessors. Take
'em, and bless you!

_Duchess_ (_overflowing with emotion_). My dear, this is too much.
(_Weeps._) You un_woman_--I should say un_lady_--me!

_Enter_ Lord TUPPENCE CULLARD.

_Lord T.C._ Come and marry me.

_Duchess._ With pleasure! Lawks-a-mussy! [_Exeunt._

_Earl._ And now, let us remember that while the sun shines, the moon clings
like a frightened thing to the face of CLEOPATRA.

_Quick Curtain._

_Applause follows, when enter the Author. He holds between his thumb and
forefinger a lighted cigarette._

_Author._ Ladies and Gentlemen, it is so much the fashion nowadays to do
what one pleases, that I venture to offer you some tobacco while I enjoy a
smoke myself. (_Throws cigars and cigarettes amongst the audience a la_
HARRY PAYNE.) Will you forgive me if I change my tail-coat for a smoking
jacket? Thank you! (_Makes the necessary alteration of costume in the
presence of the audience._) And now I will have a chair. (_Stamps, when up
comes through a trap a table supporting a lounge_), and a cup of tea.
(_Another table appears through another trap, bringing up with it a tray
and a five o'clock set._) And now I think we are comfortable. (_Helps
himself to tea, smokes, &c._) I must tell you I think my piece excellent.
And all the puppets that have performed in it have played extremely well. I
hope you like my piece as well as I do myself. I trust you are not bored
with this chatter, but I am not good at a speech. However, as I have to
catch a train in twenty minutes, I will tell you a story occupying a
quarter of an hour. I repeat, as I have to catch a train--I repeat, as I
have to catch a train--

_Entire Audience._ And so have we! [_Exeunt._ (_Thus the Play
ends in smoke._)

* * * * *

HOW TO SAVE LONDON.

(_Rath