ge whist without putting a bruise on the Monroe
doctrine.

P.S.--When you play for money always bite the coin to see if it
means as much as it looks.

The next day, in order to square myself with my wife for getting a
letter I hadn't any use for, I went to one of those New York
department stores to get her a birthday present.

Say! did you ever get tangled up in one of those department store
mobs and have a crowd of perfect ladies use you for a door mat?

I got mine!

They certainly taught me the Rojestvensky glide, all right!

At the door of the department; store a nice young man with a pink
necktie and a quick forehead bowed to me.

"What do you wish?" he asked.

"Well," I said; "I'm down here to get a birthday present for my
wife. I would like something which would afford her great pleasure
when I give it to her and which I could use afterwards as a
pen-wiper or a fishing-rod."

"Second floor; to the right; take the elevator," said the man.

Did you ever try to take an elevator in a department store and find
that 3,943 other American citizens and citizenettes were also
trying to take the same elevator?

How sweet it is to mingle in the arms of utter strangers and to
feel the gentle pressure of a foot we never hope to meet again!

I was standing by one of the counters on the second floor when a
shrill voice crept up over a few bales of dry goods and said, "Are
you a buyer or a handler?"

"I am looking for a birthday present for my wife," I answered. "I
want to get something that will look swell on the parlor table and
may, be used later on as a tobacco jar or a trouser stretcher!"

"Fourth floor; to the left; take the elevator!" said the lady's
voice.

With bowed bead I walked away.

I began to feel sorry for my wife.

Nobody seemed to be very much interested whether she got a birthday
present or not.

On the fourth floor I stopped at a counter where a lot of eager
dames were pawing over some chinchilla ribbon and chiffon
over-skirts.

It reminded me of the way our dog digs up the vegetables in the
garden.

I enjoyed the excitement of the game for about ten minutes and then
I said to the clerk behind the counter who was refereeing the
match, "Can you tell me where I can buy a sterling silver birthday
present for my wife which I could use afterwards as a night key or
a bath sponge?"

"Fifth floor; to the rear; take the elevator!" said the clerk.

On the fifth floor I went over to a t