a
heart wants a Father in whose bosom he can repose, a Saviour in whose
care and sympathy he can trust, and a better world to which he can look
forward as his final home and resting-place, and as the eternal home and
resting-place of those who are dear to him. And I _had_ a heart. I was
not made for infidelity. I never submitted to it willingly, and I never
sat easy under its power. I had affections, cravings, wants, which
nothing but religion could satisfy.

3. Then trouble came. Infidelity is a wretched affair even in
prosperity; but in adversity it is still worse. And adversity overtook
me. In the spring of 1857 we had a reasonable income, from property
which we supposed to be of considerable value. A few weeks later a panic
came, and our income fell to nothing; our property was valueless;
instead of a support it became a burden, and we had to set to work to
get a living by our labor, at a time when work was hard to be got, and
when wages were down at the lowest point. This was a time of great
distress and grievous trial, and I felt the want of consolation most
keenly. I could once have said, "Although the fig tree shall not
blossom, neither shall fruit be on the vines; the labor of the olive
shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut
off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls; yet will I
rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation." But now I
_had_ no God. The universe had no great Fatherly Ruler. The affairs of
man were governed by chance, or by a harsh and grinding necessity; and
all good ground of hope and cheerful trust had given place to doubt, and
gloom, and cruel uncertainty.

4. Trials of other kinds came. Sickness and pain entered our dwelling,
and seized upon one of my family. My youngest son was taken ill. He was
racked with excruciating pain. It seemed as if the agony would drive him
to distraction, or cut short his days. And there I stood, watching his
agony, and distracted with his cries, unable to utter a whisper about a
gracious Providence, or to offer up a prayer for help or deliverance.

5. Another dear one was afflicted; and again my heart was torn, and
again my lips were sealed. I could not even say to the suffering one,
"God bless you."

6. I was called to attend the funeral of a child. The parents were in
great distress, and I was anxious to speak to them a word of comfort;
but doubt and unbelief had left me no such word to speak.