o the shocking climax: Trade Returns were unable to balance
properly, and Money (to be absolutely outspoken and no longer to mince
matters) got tight.

After this I was not surprised to read of "Mexican Eagles rising on the
announcement of the new Gusher." Nor a little later to find the
announcement, "Stock Exchange Dull." A very natural reaction.

Yours ever,

A SIMPLE WEST-ENDER.

* * * * *

PROFESSIONAL PRIDE.

Extract from a plumber's account:--

"To making good leaks in pipes, 8/6."

* * * * *

"Wanted 2 Lions male and female or either any of them. What will be the
cost? Where they can be had and when can we get."--_Indian Paper._

Can any of our readers oblige this eager zoologist?

* * * * *

"An incident of an extraordinary nature befell Colonel ----, C.B.,
while playing a golf match at Brancaster. A large grey cow swooped
down, picked up his ball and flew away with it."--_Newfoundland Paper._

Probably a descendant of the one who jumped over the moon.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Betty._ "MUMMY, HOW DID THESE TWO MARKS GET ON MY ARM?"

_Mother._ "THE DOCTOR MADE THEM. THEY'RE VACCINATION MARKS. THERE OUGHT
PROPERLY TO BE FOUR OF THEM."

_Betty_ (_after much deliberation_). "MUMMY, DID YOU _PAY_ FOR FOUR?"]

* * * * *

ON RUNNING DOWN TO BRIGHTON.

When I consulted people about my nasal catarrh, "There is only one thing to
do," they said. "Run down to Brighton for a day or two."

So I started running and got as far as Victoria. There I was informed that
it was quite unnecessary to run all the way to Brighton. People walked to
Brighton, yes; or hopped to Kent; but they never ran. The fastest time to
Brighton by foot was about eight hours, but this was done without an
overcoat or suit-case. Even on Saturdays they said it was quicker to take
the train than to walk or to hop.

Brighton has sometimes been called London by the Sea or the Queen of
Watering Places, but in buying a ticket it is better to say simply
Brighton, at the same time stating whether you wish to stay there
indefinitely or to be repatriated at an early date. I once asked a
booking-clerk for two sun spots of the Western coast, and he told me that
the refreshment-room was further on. But I digress.

One of the incidental difficulties in running dow