is stay.

* * * * *

THE WHITE MAN'S BURDEN.

Who ran to watch how Nancy fell
Beneath a storm of shot and shell,
And, when she didn't, felt unwell?
THE KAISER.

Who stimulates his gentle sons
To ape the manners of the Huns?
Who doesn't feed the Bear with buns?
THE KAISER.

Who circulates ingenious glosses
To minimize his army's losses,
And scatters showers of Iron Crosses?
THE KAISER.

Who suffers agonizing pains
When stern necessity constrains
The bashing-in of Gothic fanes?
THE KAISER.

Who has for several weeks of late
Omitted to communicate
With any foreign potentate?
THE KAISER.

Who in a cage of steel, we're told,
The tides of war about him rolled,
Watches the scroll of Fate unfold?
THE KAISER.

* * * * *

Illustration: _The Recruit here portrayed, being most anxious to get
into KITCHENER'S Army, is determined to accommodate himself to any
conditions as they arise._

_Officer_ (_filling in form_). "WHAT'S YOUR RELIGION?"

_Zealous Recruit._ "WELL, WHAT ARE YOU SHORT OF?"

* * * * *

FALSE PRETENCES.

Since the War began the military experts have monopolised one corner of
the smoke-room. Don't imagine I am going to write about them. It is in
the other corner of the smoke-room that the Cheering-Up Association
meets. There we all come and relate our business troubles and listen to
the troubles of our friends. It is wonderful how consoling other
people's troubles are. Robinson brightens perceptibly when he discovers
that Jenkins is also heading for the Bankruptcy Court.

Of course the talk began with Mitchell's play. It always does. We have
followed with tempered interest its pilgrimage from one manager to
another these two years.

"All U P," groaned Mitchell. "Algernon Princeton had promised faithfully
to produce it in October. Now he's closed his theatre. He's a pretty
patriot. If it had run--let us put it moderately--two hundred nights I
should have made L4,000 clear. American rights would have been worth
quite as much. Touring companies in the provinces, Colonial rights,
translation rights--why, I should have made ten thousand--no, in
business matters one must be accurate--say, twenty thousand. It's all
that WILLIAM! If I wasn't over age and hadn't tobacco heart, I'd go and
have a pop at him myself."

"Tha