Rakitin, the
divinity student, whom he knew almost intimately. He alone in the
monastery knew Rakitin's thoughts.

"Forgive me," began Miuesov, addressing Father Zossima, "for perhaps I seem
to be taking part in this shameful foolery. I made a mistake in believing
that even a man like Fyodor Pavlovitch would understand what was due on a
visit to so honored a personage. I did not suppose I should have to
apologize simply for having come with him...."

Pyotr Alexandrovitch could say no more, and was about to leave the room,
overwhelmed with confusion.

"Don't distress yourself, I beg." The elder got on to his feeble legs, and
taking Pyotr Alexandrovitch by both hands, made him sit down again. "I beg
you not to disturb yourself. I particularly beg you to be my guest." And
with a bow he went back and sat down again on his little sofa.

"Great elder, speak! Do I annoy you by my vivacity?" Fyodor Pavlovitch
cried suddenly, clutching the arms of his chair in both hands, as though
ready to leap up from it if the answer were unfavorable.

"I earnestly beg you, too, not to disturb yourself, and not to be uneasy,"
the elder said impressively. "Do not trouble. Make yourself quite at home.
And, above all, do not be so ashamed of yourself, for that is at the root
of it all."

"Quite at home? To be my natural self? Oh, that is much too much, but I
accept it with grateful joy. Do you know, blessed Father, you'd better not
invite me to be my natural self. Don't risk it.... I will not go so far as
that myself. I warn you for your own sake. Well, the rest is still plunged
in the mists of uncertainty, though there are people who'd be pleased to
describe me for you. I mean that for you, Pyotr Alexandrovitch. But as for
you, holy being, let me tell you, I am brimming over with ecstasy."

He got up, and throwing up his hands, declaimed, "Blessed be the womb that
bare thee, and the paps that gave thee suck--the paps especially. When you
said just now, 'Don't be so ashamed of yourself, for that is at the root
of it all,' you pierced right through me by that remark, and read me to
the core. Indeed, I always feel when I meet people that I am lower than
all, and that they all take me for a buffoon. So I say, 'Let me really
play the buffoon. I am not afraid of your opinion, for you are every one
of you worse than I am.' That is why I am a buffoon. It is from shame,
great elder, from shame; it's simply over-sensitiveness that makes me
rowdy.