TELEPHONISTS IN
CONVERSATION."

We should ourselves have placed the asterisks after the word "THE."

* * * * *

ROYAL ACADEMY--SECOND DEPRESSIONS.

[Illustration: STUDY OF A CHILD, SOME GOATS AND A HORSE. THE HORSE IS
FULL OF FIRE AND LOOKS AS IF HE HAD JUST SPRUNG FROM HIS ROCKERS.]

[Illustration: "DOUBLE OR QUIT." A SPORTING OFFER BY A PROFITEERING
LANDLORD.]

[Illustration: _Fair Rosamond._ "OH, MY GOODNESS! IS THAT A DAGGER?"

_Queen Elinor._ "QUITE RIGHT, BUT IT'S ONLY TO HEIGHTEN THE DRAMATIC
EFFECT. I KNEW YOU WOULD PREFER POISON."]

[Illustration: THE EXHAUSTED SITTER AND THE INEXORABLE ARTISTS.]

[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PRIZE-FIGHTERS REMOVING A HEAVY-WEIGHT
CHAMPION AFTER HIS DEFEAT.]

[Illustration: WINDOW-DRESSING IS NOW ONE OF THE FINE ARTS. A CHARMING
GROUP OF WAX FIGURES MADE TO THE ORDER OF MESSRS. WHITERIDGE.]

[Illustration: _Excited Bather._ "SOMETHING QUEER ABOUT THESE ROCKS.
ONE OF THEM IS TICKLING ME ON THE BACK!"]

* * * * *

AT THE PLAY.

"WHY MARRY?"

This is a protracted discussion of a venerable topic and takes place
in a sun-parlour, which I regret to say is the brightest thing about
it.

_John_ is a dollar-snob--it is _John's_ parlour--and has two sisters,
_Jean_ and _Helen_. _John_ is easily the heavy-weight champion in
stage brothers. Sister _Jean_, who is entirely dependent on _John_,
loves a poor man, but under _John's_ guidance traps a rich one. Sister
_Helen_ (who has a job) also loves a poor man, but thinks marriage not
good enough. This was, I imagine, due chiefly to living with _John_
and _Mrs. John_. She may have got a touch of the sun-parlour. Her
man is a terrific young scientist, who once with four colleagues
deliberately let a dangerous Cuban mosquito nibble his arm. The
colleagues died while _Ernest_ survived, which I regretted. However he
became demonstrator at the Institute of Bacteriology, with _Helen_ as
his assistant, and in the excitement of the imminent discovery of
his new bacillus the two spend the night in the laboratory totally
unchaperoned. The discovery saved thousands of American babes, but it
ruined _Helen's_ reputation.

Here the narrative becomes confused, but anyhow _John_, who was a
trustee of the Institute, spent the three Acts in alternately sacking
and reinstating _Helen_ and _Ernest_, in thinking of a salary,
doubling it, adding thousands of dollars to it and tak