d.

The Doctor arrived next morning while I was shaving. He was white with
rage. He said:

"What the deuce do you mean by killing my pig?"

"_Your_ pig ?" I smiled. "No, _my_ Pig!"

"Stuff and nonsense!" he spluttered. "_Your_ pig died four months
ago--caught cold last July through being out so late at night and died
next day."

That roused me. "Do you mean to tell me," I asked coldly, "that I've
been paying five pounds a week for the last four months for a dead
pig?"

"Very kind of you, I'm sure," replied the Doctor, "but no one asked
you to, you know."

Adding together all my expenses--the weekly subscription for my pig;
a similar sum paid to the Doctor for his; the value of my swill; the
fine imposed (by DORA) for improper use of firearms; ditto (by the
Magistrate) for shooting game without a licence; alleged damage to the
P.P. premises and the remaining wits of their custodian; and finally,
the bill from Mr. Perkins for a pound of pork purchased in July, and
the account from Dr. Jones for professional attendance subsequent to
consumption of same--adding all these together I find that from first
to last I disbursed L385 5s. 5-1/2d. on the patriot.

With pork at two shillings a pound my outlay should have produced a
pig that weighed 1 ton 14-1/2 cwt. Truly that would have been a very
Hindenburg of a pig. It was almost worth trying.

* * * * *

OUR EUPHEMISTS.

"General Servant wanted, by middle of February; no small
family."_--Oxford Times_.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Proprietor (to assistant recently released from the
Army)._ "WHY, WHATEVER MADE YOU OFFER TO SEND THE GOODS HOME FOR HER?
ANY FOOL COULD TELL YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF CIVILISATION DURING THE WAR."]

* * * * *

TO THE SPEAKER ON HIS RE-ELECTION.

Good Mr. SPEAKER, in this troublous time,
When it is hard to string a cheerful rhyme,
Your genial influence unshaken bides
Amid the flux of shifting sands and tides;
And, re-electing you by acclamation,
The Parliament has acted for the nation,
Which, while acknowledging the Members' _nous_,
Congratulates not you, Sir, but the House.

'Tis fourteen years since you were called to bear
The heavy burdens of your "perilous Chair"--
What years, what burdens! Yet your steadfast mien
Has never failed to dominate the scene.
Others have found the post a giant's robe
Or lack