the trenches
He raked the crowded benches;
My evening print reported
No kind of casualty.

No prisoner howled and hooted,
No strong policemen tore
With helpless mirth their jackets,
There was not even in brackets
This notice: "(Laughter--muted
In deference to the war.")

EVOE.

* * * * *

A Traitor Press.

"BRITISH PRESS BACK THE ENEMY." _Manchester Courier._

_Punch_ anyhow backs the Allies.

* * * * *

Cardiff claims the honour of having enlisted the heaviest recruit in the
person of a police constable weighing nineteen stone odd. He should
prove invaluable for testing bridges before the heavy artillery passes
across.

* * * * *

A ROYAL CRACKSMAN.

When the housebreaking business is slack
And cracksmen are finding it slow--
For all the seasiders are back
And a great many more didn't go--
Here's excellent news from the front
And joy in Bill Sikes's brigade;
Things are looking up since
The German CROWN PRINCE
Has been giving a fillip to trade.

His methods are quite up to date,
Displaying adroitness and dash;
What he wants he collects in a crate,
What he doesn't he's careful to smash.
An historical chateau in France
With Imperial ardour he loots,
Annexing the best
And erasing the rest
With the heels of his soldierly boots.

Sikes reads the report with applause;
It's quite an inspiring affair;
But a sudden idea gives him pause--
_The Germans must stop over there!_
So he flutters a Union Jack
To help to keep Englishmen steady,
Remarking, "His nibs
Mustn't crack _English_ cribs,
The profession is crowded already."

* * * * *

Illustration: UNCONQUERABLE.

THE KAISER, "SO, YOU SEE--YOU'VE LOST EVERYTHING."

THE KING OF THE BELGIANS, "NOT MY SOUL."

* * * * *

Illustration: MORE HORRORS OF WAR.

_Lady Midas_ (_to friend_). "YES, DO COME TO DINNER ON FRIDAY. ONLY I
MUST CAUTION YOU THAT IT WILL BE AN ABSOLUTE PICNIC, FOR MY FOURTH AND
SIXTH FOOTMEN HAVE JUST ENLISTED."

* * * * *

WAR ITEMS.

The reiterated accusations made by Germany of the use of dum-dum bullets
by the Allies, although they are not believed by anyone else, appear to
be accepted withou