er, but the more I see him and so many good and clever men
obliged to do, at least in part, the bidding of anyone who happens
to be born to Royalty, the more I wish that things were
otherwise--however, as long as it is only in forms that one sees
them give him the superiority one does not much mind. After the
debate, several of Papa's friends came to dine here. Lord
Melbourne, Lord Lansdowne, Lord Glenelg, and the Duke of Richmond,
who has won my heart--they talked very pleasantly.

_March_ 9, 1836, ADMIRALTY

I wonder what it is that makes one sometimes like and sometimes
dislike balls, etc. It does not always depend on whom one meets. I
am sure it is not, as most books and people seem to think, from
love of admiration that one is fond of them or else how should I
ever be so, when it is so impossible for anybody ever to admire my
looks or think me agreeable? I sometimes wish I was pretty. And I
do not think it is a very foolish wish: it would give me courage to
be agreeable.

All through this year there are many troubled entries:

_March_ 28, 1836, ADMIRALTY

Youth may and ought to have--yes, I see by others that it
has--pleasures which surpass those of unthinking though lovely
childhood: but have I experienced them? ... What makes the same sun
seem one day to make all nature bright, and the next only to show
more plainly the dreariness of the landscape? Oh wicked, sinful
must be those feelings that make me miserable--selfish and
sinful--and I cannot reason them away, for I do not understand
them. Prayer has helped me before now, and I trust it will still do
so. O Lord, forsake me not--take me into Thy own keeping.... Mama
fifty to-day [March 30, 1836]. Oh the feelings that crowd into my
heart as if they must burst it when I look to this day three years
ago. I cannot write or think clearly of it yet. I can only
feel--but what, I do not myself know--at one moment agony, doubts,
and fears, as if it was still that fearful day; then joy almost too
great to bear. When I think of her as she now is, then everything
vanishes in one overpowering feeling of intense thankfulness. I
have several times to-day seen her eyes fill with tears--every
birthday of those one loves gives one a melancholy feeling, and the
more rejoicings there are the stronger that feeling is.

_June_