to me about Lord
John very kindly. Had a long letter from Miss Lister--tells me a
good deal about him, and the more I hear the more I am forced to
admire and like. Then why am I so ungrateful? Oh! why so obstinate?
I can only hope for the sake of my character that Dryden is right
that "Love is not in our choice but in our fate."

At the beginning of the new year the family moved up to London. The next
entry, dated from the Admiralty, expressive in its brevity, runs: "A
surprising number of visitors, one very alarming, no less than Lord
John--and I saw him." Then, a week later, on February 8: "The agitation of
last Monday over again.... After all, perhaps he only wished to show that
he is friendly still. It is like his kindness, but he did not look merry."

In March she wrote to her married sister, Lady Mary Abercromby, an account
of her feelings and perplexities.

ADMIRALTY, _March_ 16, 1841

DEAREST MARY,--Tho' it is not nearly my day for writing, a long
letter from you to Mama, principally about myself, has determined
me to do so--and to do so this minute, while I feel that I have
courage for the great effort (yes, you may laugh, but it is a
terrible effort) of saying to you all that you have the best right
to abuse me for not having said before. If it was really
_saying_, oh how happy I should be! but there is something so
terribly distinct in one's thoughts as soon as they are on paper,
and I have longed each day a thousand times to have you by my side
to help me to read them and to listen to all my nonsense. I felt it
utterly impossible to write them, altho' I also felt that my
silence was most unfair upon you and would have made me, in your
place, either very suspicious or very angry. It _has_ made you
suspicious, but now let it only make you angry--as angry as you
please--for I have _not_ changed and I do not suppose I ever
shall. When we first came to town, nothing having taken place
between us since my positive refusal from Minto, except the
contradiction sent by us to the report in the papers, Miss Lister
asked me if I was the same as ever; and when I said yes, and
forbade her the subject for the future, she only begged that I
would see him and allow myself to know him better. I said I would
do so, provided she was quite sure he was ready to blame himself
alone for the consequences, which sh