I was hurt and offended.
Alas! I knew too well in my heart what sacrifices I had made in changing
my country; how I had bartered all the hopes which attach to one's
fatherland for a career of mere selfish ambition. Long since had I
seen that the cause I fought in was not that of liberty, but despotism.
Napoleon's glory was the dazzling light which blinded my true vision;
and my following had something of infatuation, against which reason was
powerless. I say that I answered these taunts with hasty temper; and
carried away by a momentary excitement, I told them, that they it was,
not I, who would detract from the fair renown of the Emperor.

"The traits you would attribute to him," said I, "are not those of
strength, but weakness. Is it the conqueror of Egypt, of Austria, and
now of Prussia, who need stoop to this? We cannot be judges of his
policy, or the great events which agitate Europe. We would pronounce
most ignorantly on the greatness of his plans regarding the destinies of
nations; but, on a mere question of high and honorable feeling, of manly
honesty, why should we not speak? And here I say this act was never
his."

A smile of sardonic meaning was the only reply this speech met with; and
one by one the officers rose and dropped off, leaving me to ponder over
the discussion, in which I now remembered I had been betrayed into a
warmth beyond discretion.

This took place early in November; and as it was not referred to in any
way afterwards by my comrades, I soon forgot it. My duties occupied me
from morning till night; for General d'Auvergne, being in attendance on
the Emperor, had handed me over for the time to the department of the
adjutant-general of the army, where my knowledge of German was found
useful.

On the 17th of the month a general order was issued, containing the
names of the various officers selected for promotion, as well as of
those on whom the cross of the "Legion" was to be conferred. Need I say
with what a thrill of exultation I read my own name among the latter,
nor my delight at finding it followed by the words, "By order of his
Majesty the Emperor, for a special service on the 13th October, 1806."
This was the night before the battle; and now I saw that I had not been
forgotten, as I feared,--here was proof of the Emperor's remembrance of
me. Perhaps the delay was intended to test my prudence as to secrecy;
and perhaps it was deemed fitting that my name should not appear except
in the