would have been easy; and had I
known, as I know now, that it had been carelessly dropped there,
nothing could have prevented me from doing so and perhaps using it with
fatal effect. But I believed it had been placed there deliberately and
as a test, by those who had divined my suicidal purpose. The eye of the
imagined detective, which, I am inclined to believe, and like to
believe, was the eye of the real God, was upon me; and though I stepped
directly over it, I did not pick up that thing of death.

XII

When I had decided that my chance for securing the little stiletto spike
was very uncertain, I at once busied myself with plans which were designed
to bring about my death by drowning. There was in the ward a large bath
tub. Access to it could be had at any time, except from the hour of
nine (when the patients were locked in their rooms for the night) until
the following morning. How to reach it during the night was the problem
which confronted me. The attendant in charge was supposed to see that
each patient was in his room before his door was locked. As it rarely
happened that the patients were not in their rooms at the appointed
time, the attendants naturally grew careless, and often locked a door
without looking in. "Good night"--a salutation usually devoid of
sentiment--might, or might not, elicit a response, and the absence of a
response would not tend to arouse suspicion--especially in a case like
mine, for I would sometimes say "good night," but more often not.

My simple and easy plan was to hide behind a piece of furniture in the
corridor and there remain until the attendant had locked the doors of
the rooms and gone to bed. I had even advanced so far in my plan as to
select a convenient nook within twenty feet of my own room. Should the
attendant, when about to lock the door, discover my absence, I should,
of course, immediately reveal my hiding-place by leaving it; and it
would have been an easy matter to convince him that I had done the
thing as a test of his own vigilance. On the other hand, if I escaped
discovery, I should then have nine hours at my disposal with little
fear of interruption. True, the night watch passed through the ward
once every hour. But death by drowning requires a time no longer than
that necessary to boil an egg. I had even calculated how long it would
take to fill the tub with water. To make sure of a fatal result, I had
secreted a piece of wire which I intended so to