elated Citizen_ (_who has been lamenting the loss of his latch-key all
the way home_). "HELLO! HERE'S A BIT OF LUCK!"

* * * * *

Success continues to attend the Austrian arms, both in the East and in
the South. It is announced on reliable authority that more than 200,000
Austrians have forced their way into Russia, and are now guarding the
more important Russian prisons from within. In the South the
chastisement of Servia, undertaken solely for Servia's own good, has
triumphantly achieved its object.

* * * * *

The Japanese army corps, which passed through Llanfairfechan, Inverness
and Bushey last Saturday, on its way to outflank the German left wing at
Metz, has arrived safely at Scutari, and is now marching on Vienna. [The
Press Bureau has no notion whether this is true or not, and cannot think
of any way of finding out. But it consents to its publication in the
hope that it will frighten the KAISER.]

* * * * *

We learn that the Russians have won a pronounced victory (but not by us)
at Przemysl.

* * * * *

Shakspeare on the Situation.

"List! list! oh list."--_Hamlet, Act I., Scene 4._

* * * * *

Illustration: _Old Lady._ "I'VE BROUGHT BACK THIS WAR MAP YOU SOLD ME
YESTERDAY, MR. BROWN. IT'S NOT UP TO DATE. I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL THE
MORNING FOR ARMAGEDDON, AND CAN'T FIND IT MARKED ANYWHERE."

* * * * *

ODE TO THE SPIRIT OF WIRELESS VICTORY.

(_An attempt, suggested by certain Marconigrams, to shed still further
light on the nature of the principal Teutonic deity._)

What to thee are marching legions,
Cannon smoke and sabre thrust,
Goddess of the cloud-rimmed regions
In whose might the Germans trust?
Though, however high and regal,
Kingly pomp may break and bend
Soiled with murder (labelled legal),
Thou, more active than the eagle,
Thou endurest to the end.

Thou wast not behind their banners
When they scoured the Belgian plain,
When they taught their Teuton manners
By the wreck of farm and fane;
Clear of battle's mire and fury
On those sightless feet and hid,
Thou wast wafted with the story
Saying this was German glory
To Chicago and Madrid.

Long e'er Paris heard the thunder,
Herald of the Uhlan's lance,
Thou wast making Stockholm wonder
At the