hat.

MANAGER.--Very good, Mr. Punch; but I should like to know what the Tories
mean to do about the corn-laws? Will they give the people cheap food?

PUNCH.--No, but they'll give them cheap drink. They'll throw open the
Thames for the use of the temperance societies.

MANAGER.--But if we don't have cheap corn, our trade must be destroyed,
our factories will be closed, and our mills left idle.

PUNCH.--There you're wrong. Our tread-mills will be in constant work; and,
though our factories should be empty, our prisons will be quite full.

MANAGER.--That's all very well, Mr. Punch; but the people will grumble a
_leetle_ if you starve them.

PUNCH.--Ay, hang them, so they will; the populace have no idea of being
grateful for benefits. Talk of starvation! Pooh!--I've studied political
economy in a workhouse, and I know what it means. They've got a fine plan
in those workhouses for feeding the poor devils. They do it on the
homoeopathic system, by administering to them oatmeal porridge in
infinitessimal doses; but some of the paupers have such proud stomachs
that they object to the diet, and actually die through spite and villany.
Oh! 'tis a dreadful world for ingratitude! But never mind--Send round the
hat.

MANAGER.--What is the meaning of the sliding scale, Mr. Punch?

PUNCH.--It means--when a man has got nothing for breakfast, he may slide
his breakfast into his lunch; then, if he has got nothing for lunch, he
may slide that into his dinner; and if he labours under the same
difficulties with respect to the dinner, he may slide all three meals into
his supper.

MANAGER.--But if the man has got no supper?

PUNCH.--Then let him wish he may get it.

MANAGER.--Oh! that's your sliding scale?

PUNCH.--Yes; and a very ingenious invention it is for the suppression of
victuals. R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit! Send round the hat.

MANAGER.--At this rate, Mr. Punch, I suppose you would not be favourable
to free trade?

PUNCH.--Certainly not, sir. Free trade is one of your new-fangled notions
that mean nothing but free plunder. I'll illustrate my position. I'm a boy
in a school, with a bag of apples, which, being the only apples on my
form, I naturally sell at a penny a-piece, and so look forward to pulling
in a considerable quantity of browns, when a boy from another form, with a
bigger bag of apples, comes and sells his at three for a penny, which, of
course, knocks up my trade.

MANAGER.--But it benefits the community,