Or if across the foam I fared
And was (invariably) sea-sick,
How much distress had I been spared
Just by a simple analgesic.

In the Headmaster's awesome den,
His cane poised o'er me palely bending,
A lozenge deftly swallowed then
Had eased the smart of its descending.

Thus might I have indulged in "rags,"
Immune from every sore corrective,
Nor need I then have stuffed my bags
With notebooks, often ineffective.

Henceforth, in any sort of fuss--
Life's little incidental dramas,
As when one boards a motor-bus
Or leaps from trains in one's pyjamas--

I'll take a tabloid. DESCHANEL!
So much to me your agile feat meant;
_L'exemple presidentiel_
Lends quite a _cachet_ to the treatment.

* * * * *

"59 ACCIDENTS IN 5 YEARS.

PROPOSED ROAD WIDENING TO INCLUDE CEMETERY CORNER."

_Evening Paper._

The only alternative would appear to be to enlarge the cemetery.

* * * * *

[Illustration: "SO YOU ABSENTED YOURSELF WITHOUT LEAVE, AND WENT TO
EPSOM. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY?"

"THAT IT WAS WORTH IT, SIR, EVEN IF IT DO MEAN THE LOSS OF MY
PENSION."]

* * * * *

AN ERROR OF JUDGMENT AT EPSOM.

I am not attending the Derby this year. Nor was it my original
intention to go last year, but since my beneficent employers, unasked,
offered me a day off, Selina insisted we ought to go. It was a
national institution, a sight everyone should see once in a lifetime,
and so forth. I protested it was an extravagance; that to be married
was really more than we could afford, let alone race-meetings. But
Selina was firm. She would pay, if necessary, out of the house-keeping
money. Besides it need cost nothing. We might win enough money to
cover our expenses.

Thus the idea of betting was introduced. Gambling in all forms is
against my principles; and how I came to give in on the point I
scarcely know. From the way Selina argued one might have supposed that
a bet on the Derby was a prudent investment, something in the nature
of a life-insurance which no careful husband would neglect to make.
So I yielded, merely stipulating that our stake was not to exceed one
pound: and this amount fortunately satisfied Selina's conception of
recklessness.

So upon the appointed day we found ourselves at the famous Heath,
or is it the Downs? The selection of a horse to bear