Would you be good enough to read aloud this
certificate?" It would be read and then handed back to me. I would fold
it carefully and place it in my inside pocket. Looking very tenderly at
the long row of rebuked countenances, I should get up and make for the
door. This would be the delicious thrill, the electric moment. The
following is what _did_ happen.

I was on the Tube. Conditions were favourable, as Sir OLIVER LODGE would
say to Mrs. PIPER. The old woman with the bundle was not there, but the
shop-girl with three regimental brooches was. Everything was going as
well as I could have wished. The shop-girl closed her novel and fingered
her brooches. A fat old gentleman sniffed vigorously, and someone asked
why "a big, strong, healthy, etc., etc." Nobody seemed to be impressed
by my splendid silence, but it was there all the same, and somebody was
going to be very sorry before he got home. I touched my tie and lit a
fresh cigarette. The air was tense. I could almost see my electric
moment walking down the compartment to meet me. We were nearing a
station. I felt in my pocket.

I had left the certificate at home!

* * * * *

HOME HELPS FOR NON-COMBATANTS.

THE ARMY AND NAVY EXEMPTIONS SUPPLY ASSOCIATION, LIMITED, offer
facilities for the evasion of military service.

* * * * *

Ladies supplied to act as Widowed Stepmothers to young Slackers.

* * * * *

Gentlemen not desirous of serving should inspect one of our Bijou
Residences. Bath (h. and c.); rent inclusive. District enjoys best water
supply and most lenient Exemption Tribunal in the Home Counties.

* * * * *

Persons requiring the Loan of Children may obtain these useful aids to
exemption in lots of not less than half-a-dozen (mixed), by the day,
week, or month, as desired.

* * * * *

FLAT FOOT IN TWELVE DAYS! A GENUINE DISCOVERY.

Gentlemen wishing to acquire this useful impediment may do so with
secrecy and despatch on application (with fee). No _permanent_
disability need be feared, a certain cure being guaranteed within one
calendar month after date of signing peace, upon payment of a further
fee.

* * * * *

LEARN TO FAINT.

One Correspondence Course will teach you this useful art in two and a
half lessons.

* * * * *