n' ground and intercedin'
terms, as the feller says. The men in that bunch to-night was worth over
eight hundred thousand dollars, and they took eleven dollars and a
half's worth o' my time chewin' the rag over fixin' the parson's fence.
I'm goin' to bed,' I says, 'and if I shouldn't wake up in the mornin',
if you should miss petty in the mornin', you may know his vital powers
was exhausted by the hilarious proceedin's of this evenin'.'

"But I must get along to my story, about my automatic pastor. One day
the preacher resigned,--life probably hectored out of him by a lot o'
cheap skates whose notion of holdin' office in church consisted in
cuttin' down expenses and findin' fault with the preacher because he
didn't draw in sinners enough to fill the pews and pay their bills for
'em.

"When it come to selectin' a committee to get a new pastor, I butted
right in. I had an idea, so--me to the front, leadin' trumps and bangin'
my cards down hard on the table. Excuse my gay and festive reference to
playin'-cards, but what I mean is, that I thought the fullness of time
had arrived and was a-hollerin' for J.P. Wamsley.

"Well, sir, it was right then and there I invented my automatic pastor,
continuous revolving hand-shaker and circular jolly-hander.

"I brung it before the official brethren one night and explained its
modus operandi. I had a wax figger made by the same firm that supplies
me with the manikins for my show-windows. And it was a peach, if I do
say it myself. Tall, handsome figger, benevolent face, elegant smile
that won't come off, as the feller says, Chauncey Depew spinnage in
front of each ear. It was a sure lu-lu.

"'Now,' I says to 'em, 'gentlemen, speakin' o' pastors, I got one here I
want to recommend. It has one advantage anyhow; it won't cost you a
cent. I'll make you a present of it, and also chip in, as heretofore,
toward operatin' expenses.' That caught old Jake Hicks--worth a hundred
thousand dollars, and stingier 'n all git-out. He leaned over and
listened, same as if he was takin' 'em right off the bat. He's a retired
farmer. If you'll find me a closer boy than a retired farmer moved to
town, you can have the best plug hat in my store.

"'You observe,' I says, 'that he has the leadin' qualifications of all
and comes a heap cheaper than most. He is swivel mounted; that is, the
torso, so to speak, is pinioned onto the legs, so that the upper part of
the body can revolve. This enables him to rotat