ussia by calling her a
barbarian Empire; and from 12 to 1 he tells me how Germany's burning
Belgium for Belgium's good; and then he dismisses me and says, if I'll
come back to-morrow morning, he'll pitch me a story about the French
peril, and how Germany can help America to escape it.

KAISER, it's no good. My father was a German, and he knew your lot, and
he used to tell me all he knew. He had to quit Prussia pretty quick
after 1848--that's the year your great-uncle had to take off his hat to
the citizens of Berlin, and your venerable grandfather had to pay a
visit to England, German air not being good for his health. I know all
that there is to be known about you. I don't want any BERNSTORFF, no,
nor yet any DERNBURG, to tell me why this fight's fighting and to
explain the Belgian wickedness to me. You and your blamed professors and
soldiers, you've all been spoiling for war these ten years past, and now
that you've got it you're out to tell the Americans that the other
fellows drove you into it. All I've got to say is, I don't believe
it--and what's more, no sensible American believes it either. That's all
there is to it.

Yours sincerely,
DIETRICH.

* * * * *

Motto for the KAISER (reported as having been last seen at Cologne):
"East, West, hame's best."

* * * * *

Illustration: A NORTH SEA CHANTEY.

(_To the tune of "Tipperary."_)

JACK. "IT'S A LONG, LONG WAIT FOR WILLIAM'S NAVY. BUT MY HEART'S RIGHT
HERE."

* * * * *

Illustration: _Officer._ "WHAT IN THUNDER HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL THE
MORNING? THIS LEATHER'S NOT DRESSED; THERE'S MUD ON IT STILL!"

_Recruit (ex-Cyclist)._ "SORRY, SIR, BUT I'VE SPENT MOST OF MY TIME
POLISHING THE PEDALS."

* * * * *

RENAMED CELEBRITIES.

Since the publication of the manifesto in our columns signed by a large
number of eminent men who announced their intention of divesting
themselves of the un-Christian name of William, matters have moved far
and fast. Many of these gentlemen have already, in obedience to the
dictates of logic, assumed a new style, as may be gathered from the
following messages which the Press Bureau, without accepting
responsibility for them, graciously permits us to reproduce:--

The Reverend WILLIAM SPOONER, the revered Warden of New College, Oxford,
writes to say that, in deference to the unanimous desire of the
gr