f harmony, if not for
politeness. Nothing pleases me better than to annoy an Englishman by
doing every thing that he most dislikes, because he makes it a point
to be disagreeable and unmannerly; carries his nationality wherever he
goes, and it does me good to furnish him with material for criticism.
Out of pure good nature, I meet him half way; chew and spit that he
may grumble, and put my legs over the back of the nearest chair to see
him enjoy a good hearty fit of disgust, and talk loud that he may find
material for ill-natured reflections on American manners--all of
which, I know, is exactly what obliges him. It affords him such
undeniable grounds for the depreciation of others, and the indulgence
of his own weak vanity!

In like manner I obliged my German friends, who, however, are
altogether different in their exactions, and only require Americans to
drop all their uncivilized habits, and become like themselves--quiet,
decent, and respectable old fogies. Therefore I obeyed the laws,
doffed my savage California costume, quit whisky, took to beer,
avoided all passages of tenderness toward the female sex, and herded
mostly with men. For a time, however, I held on to my beloved quid of
cigar. It was such a solace in the midst of all these privations!
But, alas! I had to give that up too; there was not a spot in all
Germany suitable for the purpose of expectoration! The floors of the
houses are so dreadfully clean--not a piece of carpet bigger than a
rug to sit upon; the porcelain stoves so inaccessible; the windows
always shut; every nook and corner blazing with little ornaments; the
lady of the house so severely conscious of every movement; even the
little earthen pans near the stove, filled with white sand nicely
smoothed over to represent salt-cellars--the ostensible spittoons of
the establishment--staring one in the face with a cold, steady gaze
amounting to a positive prohibition--no, the thing was impossible! I
saw plainly that a good, old-fashioned squirt of tobacco-juice would
ruin such a country as this, where every room in every house was
inimical to the habit, and every speck of ground throughout the length
and breadth of the land adapted to some useful or ornamental purpose.
Why, sir, I assure you that in the little duchy of Nassau--where it is
said the grand-duke is unable to exercise his soldiers at
target-shooting without obtaining permission to place the target in
some neighboring state--I found the ga