F DUNBROWNE,
LONDON._)

[Illustration]

Valentines plebeian
Cannot fix an Earl--
I'm as you may see, an
Ardent Yankee girl.
Nothing "soft" you'll find here,
No old-fashioned lay;
Say then, you'll be mine, dear,
In the modern way.

_You_ (we haven't met as
Yet I must record)
Figure in _Debrett_ as
Out-and-out a Lord:
Ancestors, a thousand,
Dignities, a score--
Hear my bashful vows, and
Think this matter o'er.

I don't in for Pa go;
Pa despised New York;
Porpa in Chicago
Cultivated pork:
Ma was born a Gerald;
Birth was Morma's pride--
As the _New York Herald_
Mentioned when she died.

Well, my pile's a million,
That's a fact, you bet:
I'm in our cotillon
Quite the Broadway Pet:
I can sing like PATTI;
And to win I went
For the Cincinnati
Tennis Tournament.

I've a lovely right hand;
For my face I've sat
By electric light--and
Elegant at that!
I enclose the photo,
Just for you to see,
But deny _in toto_
That it flatters me.

_You_, I've read, are rather
"Up the Spout" for cash,
Owing to your father
Having been so splash:
_I_ from debt could free you,
And in Politics
Calculate to see you
Bagging all the tricks.

Any Earl who marries
ANASTASIA JAY
Will (except in Paris)
Get his little way,
Fear no interference;
Relatives remain,--
But their disappearance
Beats me to explain.

THOMAS, I adore thee!--
"THOMAS" _is_ thy name,
Isn't it?--the more the
Scandal and the shame!
All I ask you, TOM, is
Just one loving line,
One type-written promise
Publishing you mine.

Matrimony's heart is
Houselike, "half-detached,"
Seldom save at parties
Or in papers matched--
Answer "Yes," or break'll
This poor heart of mine.
Be my _Fin-de-Siecle_,
Be my Valentine!

* * * * *

QUERY BY A DEPRESSED CONVALESCENT.--"This Influenza is nothing new,
nor is the Microbe. Wasn't MICROBIUS an ancient classic writer? Didn't
he treat this subject historically? There's evidently some confusion
of ideas somewhere. As _Hamlet_ says:--

'O, cursed spite
That ever I was born to set it right.'

But I beg pardon, that 'set it right' shows that _Hamlet_ was a
Surgeon, not a Physician. Excuse me. 'To bed! To bed!'"

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