would!

_Mr. Frederic Frivell_ (_to his wife, whom he takes a marital pleasure
in shocking_). What fun those old fellows must have had in those days,
mustn't they?

_Mrs. Frivell_ (_a serious lady_). I don't think fun is at _all_ the
right word, FREDERIC. I do _wish_ you wouldn't take these things so
lightly. I'm sure it's melancholy enough to look at all these horrid
machines, and think--

_Mr. F._ That Torture is a lost art? Isn't that what you were going to
say? But it's _not_, you know; we've refined it--that's all. Look at
the Photographer, and the Interviewer, and the Pathetic Reciter, and
the--

[_Mrs. F. endeavours to convince him that she didn't mean that
at all, and that he is comparing totally different things._

_An Aphoristic Uncle_ (_to an irreverent Nephew_). No. 89. "A
Long-spiked Wooden Roller, known as a 'Spiked Hare.'" You see, TOM,
my boy, the victim was--(_Describes the process._) "Some of the old
writers describe this torture as being most fearful," so the Catalogue
tells us.

_Tom-my-boy_ (_after inspecting the spikes_). Well, do you know,
Uncle, I shouldn't be at all surprised if the old Johnnies weren't so
far out.

_The Aph. Uncle._ Another illustration, my boy, of "Man's inhumanity
to Man"!

_Tom-my-boy._ Not bad for you, Uncle--only you cribbed it out of the
Catalogue, you know! [_The A.U. gives him up._

_An Indulgent Parent enters, leading a small boy in a tall
hat, and is presently recognised by the A.U._

_The A.U._ So you've brought your son to see this collection,
hey? Well, it's of the greatest educational value to a thoughtful
youth--rich in moral and historical instruction!

_The I.P._ Well, it was like this, you see. I had to take him to the
dentist's, and, finding we should have half-an-hour or so to spare
before he could attend to him, I thought we'd just drop in here and
amuse ourselves--eh, BOBBY? Wonderfully ingenious, you know, in
their way, some of these things! Now, _here's_ a thing--"A Spanish
mouth-pear, made of iron." You see, BOBBY, they forced it into the
mouth and touched a screw, and it sprang open, preventing the victim
from screaming.

_Bobby_. Y-yes, father. Should you think Mr. Fawcepps will have one of
those?

_The I.P._ (_annoyed_). Now, what _is_ the use of my taking you to a
place of this sort to divert your thoughts, if your mind is running
on something else all the time? I won't have it, do you hear. Enjoy
yourself like a