ood mothers, have been left
much to themselves when they were young, either because their
mothers had no sympathy with them, or because they were
motherless."--"A LINCOLNSHIRE GIRL," _in the Daily News_.

There's a girl away in Lincolnshire, where green is mostly worn,
Who knows all about a novelist, and all about his trade.
And, oh, ye English Novelists, repay her not with scorn,
When she says that by his mother every novelist is made.
If you fail she knows the reason, she can tell it at a glance--
You have had a splendid mother, so you never had a chance.

If your nature is observant, if your nature is intense,
If you track elusive motives through the mazes of the mind;
If you fly o'er plot and passion as a hunter flies a fence,
And leave panting mediocrity a hundred miles behind;
Why then you may be certain, though the thought may give you pain,
That your mother wasn't splendid, or your toil would be in vain.

An unsympathetic mother who neglects her baby boy,
Oh, she knows not what advantages she showers on his head.
Let her frown upon her infant and deprive him of his toy,
_That's_ the training for a novelist who wishes to be read.
He had better have a sea-cook for his mother, or a gun,
Than one who, being splendid, blasts the future of her son.

So, ye publishers of novels, if your mills are short of grist,
Find a child whose mother loathes him, and adopt him as your own,
Give him pens and ink and paper, saying, "Write, Sir Novelist,
You are quite the biggest certainty that ever yet was known.
You _may_ not write good grammar, or be careful how you spell,
But your mother wasn't splendid, so your books are sure to sell!"

* * * * *

Some amiable Statistician has recently been computing the amount of
pills taken in England annually. He has omitted "Club-Pilling." The
severe committee men are, _pace_ IBSEN, the real _Pillars of Society_.

* * * * *

[Illustration: AMENITIES OF WAR!----AT OUR EASTER MANOEUVRES.

_Captain of Volunteers and Sub. (both conscious of a Pocket Pistol, and
both together)._ "HAVE A DROP O' SOMETHING SHORT?!"

[_They refresh horizontally, and feel better._]]

* * * * *

[Illustration: Mr Punch's Suggestions for The Betterment of Parliament.

Why walk to House of Lords Committee Rooms &c. when the Electric
Tramwa