s, and on the unimpeachable
authority of various R.A.M.C. Colonels I've been afflicted with valvular
disease of the heart, incipient tuberculosis, rickets, varicose veins,
diabetes--practically everything, except spotted fever and leprosy. And
now flat feet are added to all the rest. Even the Russian collapse and
the transfer of the entire German army to the Western Front hasn't
raised me higher than C 3.

MRS. CULVER. How annoying for you! You might have risen to be a captain
by this time.

HILDEGARDE (_reflectively_). No doubt, in a home unit. But if he'd gone
to the Front he would still have been a second lieutenant.

MRS. CULVER. My _dear_!

TRANTO. Whereas in fact I'm still one of those able-bodied young
shirkers in mufti that patriotic old gentlemen in clubs are always
writing to my uncles' papers about.

MRS. CULVER. Please! please! (_A slight pause; pulling herself
together; cheerfully_.) Let me see, you were going in for Siege
Artillery, weren't you?

TRANTO. Me! Siege Artillery. My original ambition was trench
mortars--not so noisy.

MRS. CULVER (_simply_). Oh! Then it must have been somebody else who was
talking to me about Siege Artillery. I understand it's very
scientific--all angles and degrees and wind-pressures and things. John
will soon be eighteen, and his father and I want him to be really useful
in the Army. We don't want him to be thrown away. He has brains, and so
we are thinking of Siege Artillery for him.

(_During this speech_ John _has entered, in evening dress_.)

JOHN. Are you on Siege again, mater? The mater's keen on Siege because
she's heard somewhere it's the safest thing there is.

MRS. CULVER. And if it does happen to be the safest--what then?

TRANTO. I suppose you're all for the Flying Corps, John?

JOHN (_with condescension_). Not specially. Since one of the old boys
came and did looping the loop stunts over the school the whole Fifth
has gone mad on the R.F.C. Most fellows are just like sheep. _Somebody_
in the Sixth has to be original. I want to fight as much as any chap
with wings across his chest, but I've got my private career to think of
too. If you ask me, the mater's had a brain-wave for once.

_Enter_ Mr. Culver, _back. He stands a moment at the door, surveying the
scene_. Mrs. Culver _springs up, and_ Tranto _also rises, moving towards
the door_.

MRS. CULVER. Arthur, have you come?

CULVER (_advancing a little_). Apparently. Hello, Tranto, glad to see
y