credible. This
war is changing my ideas. (_Suddenly, after a slight pause_.) I'm
dashed if I don't join the Labour party and ask Ramsay Macdonald to
lunch.

_Enter_ Parlourmaid, _back_.

PARLOURMAID. You are wanted on the telephone, madam.

MRS. CULVER. Oh, Arthur! (_Pats him on the shoulder as she goes out_.)

(_Exit_ Mrs. Culver _and_ Parlourmaid, _back_.)

CULVER. Hildegarde, go and see if you can hurry up dinner.

HILDEGARDE. No one could.

CULVER. Never mind, go and see. (_Exit_ Hildegarde, _back_.) John, just
take these keys, and get some cigars out of the cabinet, you know,
Partagas.

JOHN. Oh! Is it a Partaga night? (_Exit, back_.)

CULVER (_watching the door close_). Tranto, we are conspirators.

TRANTO. You and I?

CULVER. Yes. But we must have no secrets. Who wrote that article in _The
Echo_? Who is Sampson Straight?

TRANTO (_temporising, lightly_). You remind me of the man with the
pistol.

CULVER. Is it Hildegarde?

TRANTO. How did you guess?

CULVER. Well; first, I knew my daughter couldn't be the piffling lunatic
who does your war cookery articles. Second, I asked myself: What reason
has she for pretending to be that piffling lunatic? Third, I have an
exceedingly high opinion of my daughter's brains. Fourth, she gave a
funny start just now when I mentioned the idea of Sampson Straight going
to the Tower.

TRANTO. Perhaps I ought to explain--

CULVER. No you oughn't. There's no time. I simply wanted a bit of
information. I've got it. Now I have a bit of information for you. I've
been offered a place in this beautiful Honours List. Baronetcy! Me! I am
put on the same high plane as Mr. James Brill, the unspeakable. The
formal offer hasn't actually arrived--it's late; I expect the letter'll
be here in the morning--but I know for a fact I'm in the List for a
baronetcy.

TRANTO. Well, I congratulate you.

CULVER. You'd better not.

TRANTO. You deserve more than a baronetcy. Your department has been a
striking success--one of the very few in the whole length of Whitehall.

CULVER. I know my department has been a success. But that's not why I'm
offered a baronetcy. Good heavens, I haven't even spoken to any member
of the War Cabinet yet. I've been trying to for about a year, but in
spite of powerful influences to help me I've never been able to bring
off a meeting with the mandarins. No! I'm offered a baronetcy because
I'm respectable; I'm decent; and at the last moment they thought