hen
he'd set vith his eyes fixed on the clock, and rush out, just a quarter
of a minit 'fore the time to waylay the boy as wos a-comin' in with
the evenin' paper, which he'd read with sich intense interest and
persewerance as worked the other customers up to the wery confines o'
desperation and insanity, 'specially one i-rascible old gen'l'm'n as the
vaiter wos always obliged to keep a sharp eye on, at sich times, fear he
should be tempted to commit some rash act with the carving-knife. Vell,
Sir, here he'd stop, occupyin' the best place for three hours, and never
takin' nothin' arter his dinner, but sleep, and then he'd go away to a
coffee-house a few streets off, and have a small pot o' coffee and four
crumpets, arter wich he'd walk home to Kensington and go to bed. One
night he wos took very ill; sends for a doctor; doctor comes in a green
fly, with a kind o' Robinson Crusoe set o' steps, as he could let down
wen he got out, and pull up arter him wen he got in, to perwent the
necessity o' the coachman's gettin' down, and thereby undeceivin' the
public by lettin' 'em see that it wos only a livery coat as he'd got
on, and not the trousers to match. "Wot's the matter?" says the doctor.
"Wery ill," says the patient. "Wot have you been a-eatin' on?" says
the doctor. "Roast weal," says the patient. "Wot's the last thing you
dewoured?" says the doctor. "Crumpets," says the patient. "That's it!"
says the doctor. "I'll send you a box of pills directly, and don't
you never take no more of 'em," he says. "No more o' wot?" says the
patient--"pills?" "No; crumpets," says the doctor. "Wy?" says the
patient, starting up in bed; "I've eat four crumpets, ev'ry night for
fifteen year, on principle." "Well, then, you'd better leave 'em off, on
principle," says the doctor. "Crumpets is NOT wholesome, Sir," says the
doctor, wery fierce. "But they're so cheap," says the patient, comin'
down a little, "and so wery fillin' at the price." "They'd be dear to
you, at any price; dear if you wos paid to eat 'em," says the doctor.
"Four crumpets a night," he says, "vill do your business in six months!"
The patient looks him full in the face, and turns it over in his mind
for a long time, and at last he says, "Are you sure o' that 'ere, Sir?"
"I'll stake my professional reputation on it," says the doctor. "How
many crumpets, at a sittin', do you think 'ud kill me off at once?"
says the patient. "I don't know," says the doctor. "Do you think
half-a-