T I WANT TO KNOW IS, AM I A BASS OR A
BARITONE?"

_Teacher_. "NO--YOU'RE NOT."]

* * * * *

INTELLIGENT ANTICIPATION.

"If births can be arranged would not mind taking charge of children
in lieu of passage."

_Advt. in "Statesman." (Calcutta)._

* * * * *

"It is unsafe even to curry favour with the French just to spite
your own Prim Minister."

_Sunday Paper_.

Mr. LLOYD GEORGE has been called a lot of things in his time, but--prim!

* * * * *

From a concert programme:--

"Recitatif et Grand air D'oedipe a Cologne."

It was after the long march to the Rhine, no doubt, that the hero
acquired the nickname of "Swellfoot."

* * * * *

THE DREAM TELEPHONE.

I go to bed at half-past six
And Nurse says, "No more funny tricks;"
She takes the light and goes away
And all alone up there I stay.

And, as I lie there all alone,
Sometimes I hear the telephone;
I hear them say, "Yes, that's all right,"
Then, "Buzz, buzz, buzz," and then "Good-night."

And sometimes as I lie it seems
That people come into my dreams;
I hear a bell ring far away,
And then I hear the people say:

"Have you a little girl up there,
The room that's by the Nursery stair?
We are the people that she knew
Before she came to live with you.

"Tell her we know she bruised her knee
In falling from the apple-tree;
Tell her that we'll come very soon
And find the missing tea-set spoon.

"She knows we often come and peep
And kiss her when she's fast asleep;
We think you'll suit her soon all right."
Then, "Buzz, buzz, buzz," and then, "Good-night."

* * * * *

ANOTHER KNOCK FOR "THE TIMES."

"_WE_ ARE BACKING NORTHCLIFFE."

_Poster of "John Bull."_

* * * * *

[Illustration: "I SUPPOSE YOUR LANDLORD ASKS A LOT FOR THE RENT OF THIS
PLACE?"

"A LOT! HE ASKS ME FOR IT NEARLY EVERY WEEK."]

* * * * *

DOGS' DELIGHT.

SCENE.--_Interior of shop devoted to the sale of cutlery, leatherware
and dogs' collars, leads, etc. Customers discovered lining the counter,
others in background leading puzzled and suspicious dogs. The proprietor
is endeavouring to serve ordinary purchasers, answer questions, punch
holes in straps and give chang