ed to pieces by brewer,
butcher, and baker; even my herb-woman dunned me as I went along the
streets. Thanks to my friend Sir Roger, else I must have gone to jail.
When I asked the meaning of this, I was told the money went to the
lawyers. "Counsel won't tick, sir." Hocus was urging; my book-keeper
sat sotting all day, playing at Put and All-fours. In short, by griping
usurers, devouring lawyers, and negligent servants I am brought to this
pass.

MRS. BULL.--This was hard usage. But methinks the least reflection might
have retrieved you.

JOHN BULL.--'Tis true; yet consider my circumstances--my honour was
engaged, and I did not know how to get out. Besides, I was for five
years often drunk, always muddled; they carried me from tavern to
tavern, to ale-houses and brandy-shops, and brought me acquainted with
such strange dogs. "There goes the prettiest fellow in the world," says
one, "for managing a jury: make him yours. There's another can pick you
up witnesses. Serjeant such-a-one has a silver tongue at the bar."* I
believe, in time I should have retained every single person within the
Inns of Court. The night after a trial I treated the lawyers, their
wives, and daughters, with fiddles, hautboys, drums, and trumpets. I was
always hot-headed. Then they placed me in the middle, the attorneys and
their clerks dancing about me, whooping and holloing, "Long live John
Bull, the glory and support of the law!"

* Hiring still more troops.

MRS. BULL.--Really, husband, you went through a very notable course.

JOHN BULL.--One of the things that first alarmed me was that they showed
a spite against my poor old mother.* "Lord," quoth I, "what makes you
so jealous of a poor, old, innocent gentlewoman, that minds only her
prayers and her Practice of Piety? She never meddles in any of your
concerns." "Fob," say they, "to see a handsome, brisk, genteel young
fellow so much governed by a doting old woman! Do you consider she keeps
you out of a good jointure? She has the best of your estate settled upon
her for a rent-charge. Hang her, old thief! turn her out of doors,
seize her lands, and let her go to law if she dares." "Soft and fair,
gentlemen," quoth I; "my mother's my mother, our family are not of an
unnatural temper. Though I don't take all her advice, I won't seize her
jointure; long may she enjoy it, good woman; I don't grudge it her. She
allows me now and then a brace of hundreds for my lawsuit; that's pretty
fair."