structed bed and deposited
on the floor. Am picked up and hurled into an automatic dressing,
washing, and shaving chair, after which, being dressed by self-acting
machinery, descend by switchback lift to dining-room, where I am fed
by an "automatic private breakfast supplier" while listening to last
night's speeches in the House, and the latest gossip, furnished by one
of the "_Phonographic Association's Parliamentary and Social Scandal
Machines_."

10 A.M.--Take automatic horse exercise, and am thrown twice, being
picked up each time automatically by a self-registering and revolving
automatic policeman.

NOON.--Attend the marriage of a favourite niece, assisting at the
subsequent social entertainment which is supplied to the assembled
guests on the platform of a West-End terminus from one of the
"Twopenny Wedding Breakfast Company's Automatic Machines," the
Bridegroom at the same time presenting the Bridesmaids with a handsome
Penny Piece of Jewellery from a similar source.

4 P.M.--Hair cut automatically, but, owing to some want of nice
adjustment in the machinery, having managed to get ears clipped
smartly at the same time, put penny into slot and consult an automatic
pillar-post. Eventually get my head (and my hat too, by mistake)
strapped up by patent automatic binder in the ward of an automatically
conducted Hospital.

8 P.M.--Dine automatically with automatic halfpenny appetite,
listening to Phonographic Italian Opera at one of Metropolitan
District Underground Stations.

10 P.M.--Dragged up-stairs mechanically by switch-back lift, and have
my boots pulled off by machinery, being automatically flung into a hot
bath, turned out, scrubbed, lifted out, dried by a revolving towel,
and eventually thrown into bed and tucked up, and finally sent
to sleep by Phonograph repeating good things said by funny man at
previous day's evening-party.

* * * * *

THE MONRO DOCTRINE (_not to be adopted by Sir Edward Bradford_). That
the control of the legislative proposals of the Government should be
"a question of police."

* * * * *

[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.

_Jones (after a delightful Waltz)._ "AND NOW, MISS BROWN, LET US GO
AND SEEK SOME 'REFRESHMENT FOR MAN AND BEAST!'"]

* * * * *

"GIVEN AWAY WITH A POUND OF TEA!"

_A Song of (Imperial) Shop._

OH, nice little, plump little German boy,
Approac