AT CHURCH PARADE."]

* * * * *

ADVICE GRATIS.

DEBT.--"SIMPLE SIMON" writes: "A man owes me money which he cannot
pay. He lives in furnished lodgings, and has given me a Bill of Sale
on the furniture. Is this sufficient security? He also offers to
insure his life for L200 if I will advance him L100, which will be
the cost of the first premium, which he says is always heavy. I am
disposed to close with this offer. Am I prudent?"--Prudent is hardly
the word to describe you. We should not in your position make the
advance mentioned. A retreat would be much better tactics. We fancy,
from your description, that your friend would do well as a Company
Promoter.

STOCK-DEALING TRANSACTIONS.--"Will you advise me under the following
circumstances?" asks "CHEERFUL SOUL," on a post-card. "I placed L50
with an Outside Broker as a speculation for the rise in Cashville and
Toothpeka First Preference. Yesterday I received a note to say I had
lost my money, as 'cover had run off.' On repairing to the Broker's
Office, I was surprised to find it apparently deserted. What is my
remedy?"--We should imagine that the Broker had "run off" too. Your
remedy is--not to speculate again. "Flutters" lead to the Gutters.

* * * * *

[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE.

_Married Vicar_, "WELL, MY BISHOP WAS VERY PARTICULAR WITH _ME_. AMONG
OTHER THINGS, HE ASKED ME, BEFORE PRESENTING ME, _WHETHER MY WIFE WAS
A LADY_!"

_His Curate_ (_reflectively_). "I CAN _QUITE_ UNDERSTAND _THAT_!"]

* * * * *

THE WAY THEY HAVE IN THE ARMY.

(_A CONVERSATION--PURELY IMAGINARY._)

SCENE--_Pall Mall. Present, SECRETARY OF STATE and Military
Adviser._

_Mil. A._ I want to know your ideas about the Autumn Manoeuvres. Are
we to have any this year?

_Sec. of S._ (_with a melancholy smile_). That depends upon
circumstances not entirely under my control.

_Mil. A._ Oh, yes; I know. But Governments may come and Governments
may go, but the State flows on for ever. Whatever _you_ commence
_they_ will have to carry out.

_Sec. of S._ Can we have these Manoeuvres without expense?

_Mil. A._ Well, scarcely. For instance, there is the ammunition.

_Sec. of S._ Oh, we can get over that! Every soldier, when he is
supposed to fire, can say, "Bang!" or words to that effect. We might
add the direction to the new Provisional Drill-Bo