N THICK, OLD MAN! I
LIKE YOUR CHEEK TELLING MISS BROWN SHE SPOKE FRENCH WITHOUT THE LEAST
ACCENT!"

"VY, CERTAINEMENT, MON AMI--VIZOUT ZE LEAST _FRENCH_ ACCENT!"]

* * * * *

"THE (SOLDIERS') LIFE WE LIVE."

(_Imaginary Evidence that should be added to the Report of Lord
Wantage's Committee._)

_Chairman._ I think your name is RICHARD REDMOND?

_Witness._ I beg pardon, my Lord and Gentlemen--DICK REDMOND--simple,
gushing, explosive DICK.

_Chair._ Have you been known by any other name?

_Wit._ Off duty, my Lord, I have been called CHARLES WARNER. Nay,
why should I not confess it?--CHARLIE WARNER. Yes, my Lord, CHARLIE
WARNER!

_Chair._ You wish to describe how you were enlisted?

_Wit._ Yes, my Lord. It was in this way. I had returned from
some races in a dog-cart with a villain. We stopped at a wayside
public-house kept by a comic Irishman.

_Chair._ Are these details necessary?

_Wit._ Hear me, my Lord; hear me! I confess it, I took too much to
drink. Yes, my Lord, I was drunk! And then a Sergeant in the Dragoon
Guards gave me a shilling, and placed some ribands in my pot-hat,
and--well--I was a soldier! Yes, a soldier! And as a soldier was
refused permission to visit my dying mother!

_Chair._ Were there no other legal formalities in connection with
your enlistment? For instance--Were you not taken before an attesting
Magistrate?

_Wit._ No, my Lord, no! I was carried off protesting, while my
villanous friend disappeared with my sweetheart! It was cruel, my Lord
and Gentlemen! It was very cruel!

_Chair._ Did you desert?

_Wit._ I did, my Lord--after I had obtained a uniform fitting closely
to the figure; but it was only that I might obtain the blessing of my
mother! And when I returned home the soldiers followed me--and might
have killed me!

_Chair._ How was that?

_Wit._ When I had taken refuge in a haystack, they prodded the
haystack with their swords! And this is life in the Army!

_Chair._ Were you arrested on discovery?

_Wit._ No; they spared me that indignity! They saw, my Lord, that my
mother was dying, and respectfully fell back while I assisted the old
Lady to pass away peacefully. But then, after all, they were men. In
spite of their red patrol jackets, brass helmets, and no spurs, they
were men, my Lord,--men! And, as soldiers, after I had broken from
prison, and was accused of murder, they again released me, because
some one promised to buy my