double-fronted brick and carved stone residential property which
recently I was wise enough to acquire for a mere song. Well, these
I-talians had drored their instrument up the drive and played to the
front door for ton minutes. The cook and her friend, I learned
afterwards, heard them and, being satisfied to enjoy the entertainment
without payment, had remained out of sight. For ten minutes they played,
the man turning the handle, his wife smiling and bowing to the windows.
Then, in the fine frenzy known to all great artists who are
unrecognised, they drored it down again to the gate. The fine frenzy was
proved by the fury with which the woman flung wide the portal that the
horgan might be drored out. She flung it back too far, and the hinge, a
soulless thing of cast-iron, snapped.

The gardener--no musician--who had happened to see them arrive, and,
anticipating trouble, had been watching unperceived, hurried to the
scene of the catastrophe.

"I knowed they was a-goin' to do it," he said, "the 'inge bein' in a bad
way already. It's lucky there was a policeman 'andy. I said you'd 'ave
the law of 'em."

"But I don't want the law of them," I protested.

"Well, they're going to pay for a new 'inge any'ow."

"Rather hard luck on them, isn't it? I can't make them do that."

"Don't you worry your 'ead, Sir," said the gardener. "It don't come out
of their pocket. All these I-talians is run by one man. Millionaire, so
they tells me. Any'ow, it's settled now."

"Well, perhaps it'll teach them to be more careful."

"I 'ope not, Sir," said the gardener. "'Ave another one or two of 'em in
'ere, and we'll get the gate so as it won't bang."

* * * * *

SCIENCE FOR THE YOUNG.

"Aunt Phemie" in _The Globe_:--

"A hen is a bird and not an animal."

This official statement will come as a great surprise to all our
feathered friends.

* * * * *

"He no longer on his return would proclaim to his brother that he
had beaten old Major Waggett (his especial foe) by two up and three
to play."--_Methuen's Annual._

And why not? Because his brother had just bought a shilling book called
"Golf for the Beginner." However, he could still tell his Aunt Lavinia,
who knew no better.

* * * * *

Illustration: FOR FRIENDSHIP AND HONOUR.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(EXTRACTED FROM