uppose
I shall be in the local paper on Saturday, Bill?"

"Yes. Thrilling Tales from the Trenches, number forty-three."

"Pity he had to go so soon," sighed James. "I was only just beginning to
get into my stride."

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Cheerful One_ (_to newcomer, on being asked what the
trenches are like_). "If yer stands up yer get sniped; if yer keeps down
yer gets drowned; if yer moves about yer get shelled; and if yer stands
still yer gets court-martialled for frost-bite."]

* * * * *

From the current Directory of the London Telephone Service:--

"FOREIGN SERVICES (FRANCE, BELGIUM AND SWITZERLAND).

Communication may be obtained between London and Paris
(including the suburbs), Brussels, Antwerp, Basle, Geneva,
Lausanne, and certain provincial towns in France and Belgium.
Full particulars may be obtained on application to the
Controller."

We are afraid these facilities, as far as Belgium is concerned, will
shortly be withdrawn. The new Postmaster-General has heard that there is
a war on.

* * * * *

"Winter Laying Strain pure bred White Leghorn Cockerels; record
layers: 5s."

_Bath & Wilts Chronicle._

Smith minor's translation of _ab ovo usque ad mala_ is thus justified:
"It is up to the males to lay eggs."

* * * * *

"'Thundering' and 'nous' are two of the expressive words of
which Sir Ian Hamilton made use of in his Suvla Bay report. It
was the Royal Artillery that did 'thundering good shooting.'
'Nous,' meaning gumption, is a word greatly in use in
Lancashire."

_Daily Mirror._

It has also been met with in Greece.

* * * * *

"Two labourers employed by the ---- Distillery Company fell a
distance of fifty feet into a barley vat yesterday, and when
released were found to be suffering from carbolic acid
poisoning."--_Weekly Dispatch._

This paragraph will no doubt be freely quoted by temperance advocates as
showing what whiskey is really made of.

* * * * *

From a notice issued by the Sydney Chamber of Commerce:--

"The Fair, which will be officially opened by His Excellency the
Governor, will be held at the Town Hall, and will be followed by
a Luncheon. Space will be allotted by the foot frontage from