ome out top in
the examinations, and receive two gold medals, and go on to be Master of
Arts, and Doctor, and the first scholar in Europe. Yes, in all Europe I
mean to be the first scholar.--Well, what next?" I asked myself at this
point. Suddenly it struck me that dreams of this sort were a form of
pride--a sin which I should have to confess to the priest that very
evening, so I returned to the original thread of my meditations.
"When getting up my lectures I will go to the Vorobievi Gori, [Sparrow
Hills--a public park near Moscow.] and choose some spot under a tree,
and read my lectures over there. Sometimes I will take with me something
to eat--cheese or a pie from Pedotti's, or something of the kind. After
that I will sleep a little, and then read some good book or other, or
else draw pictures or play on some instrument (certainly I must learn to
play the flute). Perhaps SHE too will be walking on the Vorobievi Gori,
and will approach me one day and say, 'Who are you?' and I shall look at
her, oh, so sadly, and say that I am the son of a priest, and that I am
happy only when I am there alone, quite alone. Then she will give me her
hand, and say something to me, and sit down beside me. So every day we
shall go to the same spot, and be friends together, and I shall kiss
her. But no! That would not be right! On the contrary, from this day
forward I never mean to look at a woman again. Never, never again do I
mean to walk with a girl, nor even to go near one if I can help it. Yet,
of course, in three years' time, when I have come of age, I shall
marry. Also, I mean to take as much exercise as ever I can, and to do
gymnastics every day, so that, when I have turned twenty-five, I shall
be stronger even than Rappo. On my first day's training I mean to hold
out half a pood [The Pood = 40 Russian pounds.] at arm's length for
five minutes, and the next day twenty-one pounds, and the third day
twenty-two pounds, and so on, until at last I can hold out four poods
in each hand, and be stronger even than a porter. Then, if ever any one
should try to insult me or should begin to speak disrespectfully of HER,
I shall take him so, by the front of his coat, and lift him up an arshin
[The arshin = 2 feet 3 inches.] or two with one hand, and just hold him
there, so that he may feel my strength and cease from his conduct. Yet
that too would not be right. No, no, it would not matter; I should not
hurt him, merely show him that I--"

Let