appened not to be. Lastly, my fourth and
principal sentiment of all was abhorrence of myself, mingled with
regret--yet a regret so blended with the certain expectation of
happiness to which I have referred that it had in it nothing of sorrow.
It seemed to me that it would be so easy and natural for me to tear
myself away from my past and to remake it--to forget all that had been,
and to begin my life, with all its relations, anew--that the past never
troubled me, never clung to me at all. I even found a certain pleasure
in detesting the past, and in seeing it in a darker light than the true
one. This note of regret and of a curious longing for perfection were
the chief mental impressions which I gathered from that new stage of my
growth--impressions which imparted new principles to my view of myself,
of men, and of God's world. O good and consoling voice, which in later
days, in sorrowful days when my soul yielded silently to the sway of
life's falseness and depravity, so often raised a sudden, bold
protest against all iniquity, as well as mercilessly exposed the
past, commanded, nay, compelled, me to love only the pure vista of the
present, and promised me all that was fair and happy in the future! O
good and consoling voice! Surely the day will never come when you are
silent?

IV. OUR FAMILY CIRCLE

PAPA was seldom at home that spring. Yet, whenever he was so, he seemed
extraordinarily cheerful as he either strummed his favourite pieces on
the piano or looked roguishly at us and made jokes about us all, not
excluding even Mimi. For instance, he would say that the Tsarevitch
himself had seen Mimi at the rink, and fallen so much in love with her
that he had presented a petition to the Synod for divorce; or else
that I had been granted an appointment as secretary to the Austrian
ambassador--a piece of news which he imparted to us with a perfectly
grave face. Next, he would frighten Katenka with some spiders (of which
she was very much afraid), engage in an animated conversation with our
friends Dubkoff and Nechludoff, and tell us and our guests, over and
over again, his plans for the year. Although these plans changed almost
from day to day, and were for ever contradicting one another, they
seemed so attractive that we were always glad to listen to them, and
Lubotshka, in particular, would glue her eyes to his face, so as not to
lose a single word. One day his plan would be that he should leave my
brother and mys