o compare him with Ralph
Roister Doister. Nevertheless if we project Sir Tophas upon the stage,
and by our imagination dress him and make him strut and gesticulate
after such a fashion as the text seems to indicate, we shall probably
discover ourselves smiling over puns and remarks which, on casual
perusal, we might pronounce flavourless imbecilities. Indeed, for sheer
laughable absurdity on the stage, Sir Tophas would be hard to beat. The
following scene will also show the decent quality of wit which Lyly
bestowed upon his Pages--lineal descendants of the old Vice through
those younger sons, Will and Jack.[53]

[SIR TOPHAS _and his page_, EPITON, _have just met_ SAMIAS _and_
DARES.]

_Tophas._ What be you two?

_Samias._ I am Samias, page to Endymion.

_Dares._ And I Dares, page to Eumenides.

_Tophas._ Of what occupation are your masters?

_Dares._ Occupation, you clown! Why, they are honourable and
warriors.

_Tophas._ Then are they my prentices.

_Dares._ Thine! And why so?

_Tophas._ I was the first that ever devised war, and therefore by
Mars himself had given me for my arms a whole armoury; and thus I
go as you see, clothed with artillery; it is not silks (milksops),
nor tissues, nor the fine wool of Ceres, but iron, steel, swords,
flame, shot, terror, clamour, blood and ruin that rocks asleep my
thoughts, which never had any other cradle but cruelty. Let me see,
do you not bleed?

_Dares._ Why so?

_Tophas._ Commonly my words wound.

_Samias._ What then do your blows?

_Tophas._ Not only wound, but also confound.

_Samias._ How darest thou come so near thy master, Epi? Sir Tophas,
spare us.

_Tophas._ You shall live. You, Samias, because you are little; you,
Dares, because you are no bigger; and both of you, because you are
but two; for commonly I kill by the dozen, and have for every
particular adversary a peculiar weapon....

_Samias._ What is this? Call you it your sword?

_Tophas._ No, it is my scimitar; which I, by construction often
studying to be compendious, call my smiter.

_Dares._ What, are you also learned, sir?

_Tophas._ Learned? I am all Mars and Ars.

_Samias._ Nay, you are all mass and ass.

_Tophas._ Mock you me? You shall both suffer, yet with such weapons
as you shall make choice of the weapon