-in-chief of the allied forces
at the battle of Waterloo, and Elias Muggs was commander of the
Bluetown Fusileers. If Elias Muggs had been born on the other side of
the water, he probably would have been the Duke of Wellington; and if
the Duke of Wellington had been born here, he would probably have been
Elias Muggs. This proposition may appear a metaphysical subtlety to
obtuse minds, but to ours it seems as clear as mud.

When such a man dies, he must not be permitted to depart

"Without the meed of one melodious tear."

His loss is a national loss. Nature seems to have intended him for
President of the United States, but "left him two drinks behind;"
whence we may conclude that Nature is a humbug, a conclusion
practically arrived at by most artists, living and dead.

Elias Muggs, from his tenderest years, was devoted to groceries and
glory. His venerable schoolmistress, who has outlived her illustrious
pupil, and is now supported by the town whose founders were formed by
her care, and who laid the foundation of our hero's greatness by the
powerful application of birch at the seat of learning, assured us, in
a recent interview, that the military propensities of Muggs were
developed at an early age. She observed that it was impossible to fix
his attention on the classic page of Noah Webster when the Bluetown
Fusileers were passing the school house with drum and fife, and that
the motive of his first experiment at "hooking jack" was a desire to
attend a country muster in the neighboring town. She added, that she
distinctly remembered having confiscated a box of tin soldiers with
which he was amusing himself, and that he threatened to "punch her
eye" if she did not release the unconscious prisoners of war on
_parole_. These are very important facts.

We are unable to state the precise age at which Elias entered the
service--but the town clerk of Bluetown places it at twenty-one. He
went through the different grades with great rapidity, and was finally
chosen captain in a warmly-contested election. There is no question
that he would have been elected unanimously, without difficulty, had
there not existed a great doubt in the _corps_ (Captain Muggs, by the
way, always pronounced this word, and spelled it, _corpse_) of his
ability to "treat;" whereas his adversary was distinguished for
possessing a "pocket full of rocks," and a willingness "to treat every
body." The success of our hero, under the circumstances, was